


Son of Fire, Brother of Sky

by tiredofthisbs



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Accidental re-living of someone else's trauma, Allura is a bit of an asshole, Angst, Awkward Crush, BAMF Keith (Voltron), Bonding, Bonding over missing family, Bullying, Comfort, Complete, Dead People, F/F, F/M, Feelings, Fluff, Hugs, Hunk & Keith (Voltron) Friendship, Hunk (Voltron) is a Good Friend, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Insecure Keith (Voltron), Insecure Lance (Voltron), Jealousy, Keith & Krolia (Voltron) on the Space Whale, Keith & Shiro (Voltron) Friendship, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) Has Abandonment Issues, Keith (Voltron) Has Issues, Kolivan is a dad, Krolia (Voltron) is a Good Parent, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) Being an Asshole, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance does not stop talking about how great Keith is, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Up, Memories, Multi, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parental Krolia (Voltron), Parental Red Lion (Voltron), Pidge and Keith are like siblings!, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Hunk (Voltron), Protective Krolia (Voltron), Protective Lance (Voltron), Racism, Sassy Shiro (Voltron), Scared Shiro (Voltron), Shiro (Voltron) Has Issues, Soft Keith (Voltron), Space Uncle Coran (Voltron), Suicide Attempt, Supportive Shiro (Voltron), Talking, There is a cat, Voltron Lion Swap, also fuck shiro am i right, fuck am i glad it is, great, kind of, midnight talks, these tags are becoming less of a tag and more of just me rambling, what a fun time this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2020-07-12 10:07:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 23,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19944403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiredofthisbs/pseuds/tiredofthisbs
Summary: Keith Kogane doesn't think of himself as a memorable character. Sure, he's in some important battles and pilots a couple of Lions and that's that, right?Everyone else disagrees.





	1. I will never give up on you.

**Author's Note:**

> Something I thought of in the spur of the moment, but enjoy! Update post dates and lengths will be random, as always with my works.

When Shiro sees him for the first time he sees a boy, glancing out of the window in a classroom full of kids. He doesn't talk to anyone, doesn't react to anything Shiro says. 

A challenge, Shiro figures. 

Shiro watches him pilot the simulator like he's made for it. While others had gotten to level three, he piloted to level five with ease. Shiro can already hear the Garrison teachers fawning over him. 

It doesn't take much: just a few unkind words from the teacher and Shiro's car is gone. He doesn't have to guess twice who is behind the steering wheel, and Keith drives the car just as well as he piloted the simulator. Shiro doesn't have to think twice about what he does next.

Shiro keeps a close eye on Keith. He isn't surprised that the kid actually joins the Garrison, but more surprised about what kind of a person he is. 

Shiro is glad he takes the time to learn who Keith is. The kid tries to be all buff and edgy, but on the inside he's just a big softie. 

Shiro doesn't care if the teachers think his friendly relationship with Keith is inappropriate. He knows Keith is an orphan and his instincts just yell at him to protect the boy. So he does, inviting Keith into his family, spending time with just Keith, himself and Adam. Slowly Keith starts loosing his walls around Shiro, and Shiro is proud of himself of getting so close. 

It's late at night when Shiro hears a soft knock on his door. Adam isn't in town and it's long past curfew, making Shiro scrunch his eyebrows in confusion. He opens the door, expecting an another teacher with late-night questions. 

Instead it's Keith who stands behind the door. His uniform is messy and his hair is in tangles. There's a bruise forming on his cheek and he has a black eye. There's a small shake to his limbs. 

"Keith?" Shiro asks, not quite believing what he sees. "What happened?" 

Keith doesn't answer, just peeking at Shiro from under his bangs. Those eyes, with that unnatural color Shiro has yet to pin down look up on him. The emotion in them is hard to decipher but Keith's lower lip trembles. 

"Could I... come inside?" Keith asks, the question a hushed whisper.

Shiro softens. He steps out of the way, letting Keith in. There's a limp to his walk.

"What happened?" Shiro asks, shutting the door behind him. 

Keith bites his lip and doesn't answer, instead sitting down on the couch. Shiro scrunches his eyebrows but doesn't press it, knowing that Keith will tell him if he feels comfortable enough to do so. Instead, he gets his emergency med-pack, hoping he has everything Keith needs. 

Keith hasn't moved an inch from the sofa since he sat down, the only indications that he's even alive at all being the soft rise and fall of his torso when he breathes and the flicker of his eyes across the room. Shiro sits beside him, shoving Keith the med-pack. 

"Where are you hurt?" Shiro asks, eyeing the bruise on Keith's cheek. It looks like it hurts. 

"I think... I twisted my ankle. Or something", Keith mutters, raising his right foot. "It hurts pretty bad." 

Keith's voice is dull but Shiro can see him still trembling. With gentle hands he takes Keith's leg, inspecting it with care. "Keith, you can tell me what happened. I won't tell anyone." 

"I fell down the stairs. That's it", Keith answers but Shiro knows that's not the whole story. He doesn't press it though: the last thing he wants right now is for Keith to get angry at him and run out into the waiting hands of the hall patrol. 

Shiro works in silence, taking care of Keith's bruise and black eye. The ankle isn't in a bad condition: it'll heal if Keith's careful with it.

When Shiro's done the room is now not only silent but frozen as well. Shiro tries to catch Keith's eyes but the kid keeps them downwards, locked on his hands. Shiro can see bloodied knuckles. 

"Hey Shiro...", Keith begins, startling Shiro. "You and Adam... how did you know you like boys?" Keith asks. 

Shiro can't say he knew to anticipate the question, so he has to ponder the answer. 

"I suppose I just never thought anything else. I was never interested in girls romantically, and my interest for the same gender was confirmed when I accidentally kissed an old classmate of mine. It was very awkward and he didn't talk to me for a week but I knew exactly why kissing him was ten times better than trying to cozy up to the girls." 

Keith hums quietly. 

"I don't know about Adam though, you should ask him about it."

"Some kids think being gay is stupid", Keith says, twisting his arms. "They made fun of you and Adam. I punched them." 

Shiro doesn't really know what to say. His eyes widen a bit, but he manages to keep his mouth shut from shouting anything that might break this careful situation.

"It wasn't right of them to make fun of other people but I don't think punching them is the right way to go, Keith", Shiro chuckles.

"I tired to ignore it at first", Keith admits, now scraping the blood off his knuckles. "But when they kept going on and going on. I lost it." 

"Keith...", Shiro groans. 

The room is silent again. Keith is twisting his hands again, now that he's scraped off most of the blood. 

"I think I might be gay too", Keith whispers, barely loud enough for Shiro to hear. 

Immediately the last of Shiro's nervousness melts away. "Oh Keith", he chuckles, pulling the kid into a hug. Small hands clutch the front of his shirt, their hold surprisingly tight.

"It's okay. You're allowed to be whatever you want."

Keith doesn't answer, but sniffles, and Shiro holds him tighter.


	2. I want you to lead Voltron.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro wishes he could speak back, to chuckle and say: "That's the point."

God, he has grown. Shiro doesn't know how, but Keith has grown too much in the past year for Shiro to handle. Instead of that insecure boy he took in he's face to face with a man, someone with enough confidence to stand straight and hold his chin high.

And Keith is still soft. Those violet-grey (Shiro finally pinned the color down) eyes soften when they land on Shiro and they don't shy away from his arm, his scars or his hair. Instead Keith talks to him like he never left in the first place, like they had just seen each other yesterday. They share soft touches and soft looks. 

And god, Shiro realizes how much he missed Keith. After a year of hard edges and alien gestures Keith is everything Shiro could possibly need. 

Keith and Red go perfectly together. They both share that fire Shiro has been adoring. Someone would call them impulsive but they're more passionate. The fire in them both is of defiance, of passion. They both run on a miracle fuel, always with enough energy to psyche everyone else up. 

And when Keith flies Red? It's gorgeous.

Their connection is something Shiro envies. Black, to him, is distant. She doesn't have that same kind of tie to him as Red and Keith: Black won't rush to Shiro's help if he's in trouble. When they fly they aren't even close to being as graceful as Keith and Red. 

Even when Keith pulls dumb stunts like challenging Zarkon or deciding to go through the Blade of Marmora trials, Red is right there, backing him up. 

It brings a smile to Shiro's face. 

It isn't a hard choice to tell Keith that he wants him to lead Voltron. Keith is the obvious choice, even more so now that he's piloted Black too. Allura would be too caught up in her personal grudge against the galra to take the galra allies they can gain seriously. Lance isn't ready to lead, not yet. Hunk isn't the type and is too tied to yellow to even consider switching lions. Pidge's place is in Green, her bond with the lion as strong as Keith's bond with Red. 

Shiro doesn't comprehend why Keith himself doesn't see it. Patience yields focus and Shiro knows Keith has that focus in him: he just needs practice. 

The look Keith gives him when the words _"If I don't make it out of here, I want you to lead Voltron"_ is one of disbelief and shock. Then, before it even properly registers into Shiro's brain it changes into one of concern. 

"Stop talking like that. You're gonna make it."

And then Pidge is there and the whole conversation is shoved aside.

When Keith is found out to be galra, Shiro can't find himself too surprised. 

There's always been that _something_ in him. Whether it's his violet eyes or his uncanny piloting skills, Shiro doesn't care. Keith is Keith, that's that. 

But once again, Keith himself doesn't seem to believe that. The Red Paladins shoots concerned glances to Shiro's direction the whole way back to the Castle. Shiro tries to smile but Keith always misses it. 

And then they're there and someone has to tell Allura but Keith- Keith can't. Shiro can see it in his expression, that pained tint in his eyes and the nervous bite of his lower lip. 

"Hey, it's okay. I'll tell her if you want", Shiro tries to calm him, but Keith shakes his head. 

"I have to be the one to tell her."

Keith is determined, as always. There's a spark in his eyes, which leaves Shiro curious. What does Keith have to prove?

Unsurprisingly, Allura's reaction isn't good. The fact that the Blade of Marmora agree to the alliance helps, but Shiro doesn't miss the cold glared she sends Keith's way. And Shiro doesn't miss the way Keith covers under her either. 

Shiro sends a dirty glare at Allura from behind Keith's shoulder, but the princess turns away, making Shiro hiss. 

Shiro doesn't want to die, but sometimes you don't get what you want. 

Inside Black's head is boring, Shiro realizes. He figures out that he can watch the Paladins through Black's eyes, but there is only so much he can see.

For a while no one comes. Shiro waits, however. Keith will slip up eventually, when pressured. It's not what Shiro would rather happen but it's what must happen for Keith to step into his role as Black Paladin. 

Finally, someone comes, and Shiro is ready to accept Keith... hold on. That's not Keith.

Shiro sighs tiredly. He pities Allura - she deserves a Lion, yes, but not Black. Why wouldn't Keith just do what Shiro asked, save some emotional damage. 

Both Hunk and Pidge act like Shiro suspected, neither fit for Black.

And oh, Shiro pities Lance. He wants to lead so badly, to prove himself, it almost makes Shiro accept him then and there. 

But Lance isn't ready yet. His place is as Keith's right hand man (yes, the Lions filled Shiro in on their plan). Lance will need more courage and less self-doubt. To further prove Shiro's point, Lance acts like a child about being rejected.

And finally, Keith.

He sits down and glances around, clearly uncomfortable in the coldness of Black. Shiro knows the feeling: the feeling of sitting in a seat made for a body much larger than yours. It hurts Shiro to think about Zarkon, who once piloted that Lion and saved the Universe. 

Keith, with all of his self-hatred, definitely doesn't think he's worthy of sitting in that seat.

The previous Paladins' voices Shiro had heard like through a thick glass, but Keith's he can hear bright as day.

"I know you wanted this for me, Shiro", Keith starts, placing his hands on the control sticks. "But I'm not you. I can't lead them like you." 

Shiro wishes he could speak back, to chuckle and say: _"That's the point."_

Instead of that the Lion lights up, the systems turning on with a soft hum, illuminating Keith in purple. 

"Please, no."

Shiro doesn't listen.


	3. You're my brother, I love you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the look in his eyes is ice cold.

Shiro may not be able to see the battle, but he feels every second of it. He feels the ache in his muscles when Kuron is thrown around. His hands shake as Keith's blade collides with Kuron's blade. He feels the airflow around him when Kuron is thrown around. He feels the hurt in his knuckles when Kuron punches Keith. 

He doesn't hear, he doesn't see. For a moment he's unsure of what's going on, but Black lends him her knowledge. 

Once sentence filters through, freezing both Shiro and Kuron in place.

_You're my brother, I love you._

And moments later it's pain. Shiro clutches his arm, suddenly taken back to when he originally lost it, fighting for his life. 

And just when Shiro thought the pain couldn't get any worse he's hanging freely. He doesn't have to see to know the ground is somewhere far, far down below. 

The only thing still keeping him and Kuron there is Keith's hand, tightly grasping his wrist. The rest of Kuron's body tangles into nothingness. Shiro wants to yell at Keith to let him go - they both know Keith can't save both them and himself. 

But Keith tries anyway, the bastard. That small tug, of trying to pull Kuron up, leads into Keith falling down further and suddenly Shiro can hear, the sounds of the Universe deafening to his ears after months of the quiet of Black's head.

One explosion is all it takes for both of them to plunge into the darkness, yet Keith doesn't let go. 

His touch lingers on Shiro's arm for long after.

Shiro doesn't know how to thank Keith for everything the younger man has done for him. Is there something Keith _wouldn't_ do for him?

Maybe that's what scares Shiro. He's never had someone like Keith in his life and he doesn't know what to do with it, and like humans do, Shiro is afraid of it. 

He's afraid of the endless softness in Keith's eyes. He's afraid of how Keith would do anything for him, only to keep him happy. 

It starts with Shiro asking to move to the Green Lion. He says it's because Black is so crowded, with Krolia and Kosmo there as well as him and Keith. He refuses to let Krolia switch lions, claiming that it would be uncomfortable for her to be with someone she doesn't know, especially when her son brushed so close to death. Krolia's glare is the last thing he sees before Kosmo teleports him to Green and it haunts Shiro's mind, accompanied by Keith's soft eyes.

Shiro distances himself, doesn't talk with Keith that often and focuses on other things. 

Yet, everytime Keith looks at him his eyes are soft. 

When they return to Earth Shiro focuses on the Atlas, even further separating himself, not only from Keith but the rest of Voltron as well. 

Keith is still soft. 

When Shiro stops answering Keith's greetings when they cross paths and when he stops looking back into those soft eyes something in Keith falters. Shiro's feeling of success is shadowed by guilt. He's fully aware of what he means to Keith. 

So Shiro takes it further and starts going out with Curtis. The other man manages to distract him from Keith completely, more often than not managing to keep Shiro up until late at night, not thinking about Keith but about Curtis.

Shiro would much rather think about the flirty glimmer in Curtis' eyes than the endless softness of Keith's.

It's all over. The war, the fight. Keith is gone, Shiro's memory of him hazy: he doesn't look at the man during his and Curtis' wedding. He doesn't look at Keith when they gather for Allura's memory once a year. He doesn't look at recordings of Keith or news of his doing with the Blades.

He reads about that though, unable to stop the swell of pride when he hears Keith has turned the Blades into a humanitarian relief organization.

Yet he doesn't, for example, call Keith to congratulate him or ask about what he's doing. Instead, Shiro keeps to himself, silently praising his old friend.

He's not sure what exactly he fears. Does he fear that the softness is still there? Does he fear that the softness is gone? Does he fear that it's directed to someone else? 

Shiro can't keep on avoiding Keith for forever, though. 

It's the fifth time they gather for Allura and Shiro hasn't looked at Keith for five years. In his mind, Keith is still the soft-eyed Black paladin. 

So when Shiro takes a casual glance at the man during Coran's story he almost spits out his drink. 

Keith hasn't only grown, but changed. His hair is long, braided like Kolivan's. He isn't in casual attire, no, instead he's wearing a Blade uniform identical to the one Shiro remembers Kolivan wearing. 

And Keith's eyes are... are just like Shiro remembers them. Not soft, no, Keith's not looking at him but at Coran, who is excitedly telling one of his stories. Keith's eyes are the curious mix of grey and violet. The shines of light are like stars, scattered around the universe which is Keith's mind. 

And then, like sensing Shiro's gaze, Keith glances back, straight into Shiro's eyes. 

And the look in his eyes is ice cold. 


	4. Lance and Keith, neck and neck.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And with that he's gone, leaving behind an empty bunk three doors from Lance's and unbeatable records for every simulation other than Kerberos mission 2, rescue operation.

If you ask the younger, Garrison day Lance anything about a Keith Kogane, the boy will go on into a rant about the stupid mullet, his number one rival. You sit there, for hours and hours, listening to Lance complain about someone who probably doesn't even know Lance's name.

The first time they met, Lance had just gotten into the Garrison, prideful and ready to become a pilot. He had his mama's words in his mind and he held his head high, expectations about as high as his ego. He had already made some friends in the first two periods, now ready to eat some lunch and chat with Hunk, his new best friend for life.

Lance stumbles over the mullet-haired boy. With one quick look Lance thinks he has Keith figured out: emo, outsider, bit of a rebel and definitely here because he either has crazy skills or knows someone who wants him to have a good future.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" Lance squeals.

He hates people like that, people who, in the end, have done nothing to get here. Who've had their whole lives handed to them on a silver spoon. Keith reminds Lance of James Griffin, if more of a lone wolf type than the social butterfly James seems to be.

Lance is rewarded by a stare from under those black bangs. The color of the guy's eyes will be left a mystery for Lance, but his name won't be, when he'll ask Hunk to reveal it at lunch mere minutes from that encounter.

  
The second time they meet is in the simulator drills. Lance is excited, obviously. I mean, come on, flight drills all together like this? Cool!

Lance hasn't actually seen Keith fly before, only heard rumors of his crazy skills, and to be honest, doubts them.

After all, the rumors about Takashi Shirogane being one of Keith's close friends seem much more realistic to Lance than whispers of his unnaturally good skills. 

But Keith's flying looks a lot easier than what it is actually like. The already there jealousy in Lance's chest grows a bit when Keith yawns, making the difference of their skill sets apparent. Lance, who has to always triple-check everything and keep constant focus on his piloting, and Keith, who lazily glances at his stats and yawns every so often. 

Lance's jealousy is mixed in with a bit of hate when Keith gets them all in trouble by disregarding orders and messing up the flight pattern to show off, earning them all a punishment for his wrongdoings. 

James Griffin jumps on the act, of course, making note of Keith's relationship with Shiro. 

Lance loves the sight of the two people he probably despises most in this class beat each other up, even when he wishes that James had more of an edge in the fight than Keith. 

It doesn't matter what Lance does, Keith is always better. He has the better test scores. He has the better simulator scores. Keith gets to be a fighter pilot when Lance has to stick with _cargo._ Keith is proven to be friends with Takashi Shirogane, Lance's long-time idol, and oh boy, Hunk hears about it for the next half a year. 

Lance only stops because of the Kerberos mission. He's too busy checking the mission updates and fanboying over Shiro to be jealous of Keith's relationship with him. 

When the news of the mission fail come out Lance watches the news with wide eyes. Immediately he calls Hunk, who sounds almost as shaken as Lance. 

"Oh my god, things like this should never happen", Lance groans, falling back on his bed. "I mean, c'mon, Shiro messing up? Pilot error? Seriously?" Lance asks, massaging his temples. 

"It's really sad", Hunk agrees. "But if the Garrison say it's pilot error then I guess so. Why would they lie?" Hunk asks.

"Aliens", is Lance's immediate answer, but Hunk only chuckles before quieting. 

"Do you think Keith'll be okay?" 

And fuck, Lance hadn't thought about the mullet at all.

How would the so called brother of Shiro react? 

  
Lance's answer is given soon. The next day in classes the mood is sour, half of the teachers miserable and other half angry. Lance keeps an eye on Keith for the whole day, noticing those little things he's not sure why he kept on remembering. 

Usually Keith is quiet and still, looking up with blazing weird-colored eyes at anyone who dares to cross his path. 

But on that day Keith is fidgety, twisting his arms together everytime someone talks about Shiro. Lance notice's Keith's hands shaking when one teacher straight-up blames Shiro for what happened. Lance can't catch Keith's eyes, not even once, during that day, because the mullet keeps them down, looking at his feet and his feet only. 

The simulation is tense but for once Lance doesn't overhear James commenting about how Keith broke the rules again, no. This time James makes fun of Keith's stiff movements, saying that _his sugar daddy finally kicked the bucket and now he's scared that no one will protect him from all of those outbursts and discipline issue cases. Boo-hoo._

That's about when Lance starts to feel a bit sorry for Keith. They're still rivals, for sure, but Keith (well, not anyone) doesn't deserve to lose their friend like this. 

And Keith continues to act like that for the next month, becoming more closed-off and more bullied by James and his friends. Lance looks at Keith more often than not, worry plastered on his features over jealousy. 

And now Lance starts noticing other things too. Keith is lonely, not only the lone wolf, but actually no one even tries to talk to him. Lance would like to, yes, but if he even walks toward Keith with such intentions James Griffin will smell that shit straight out of the air and come pick on Lance. 

So Lance will do with staring from far away fro now. 

What eventually tips Keith Kogane over must be the new simulation drill: Kerberos mission 2, rescue operation. 

Lance isn't there when it's first introduced, but Keith is. He's right in that room, listening to Iverson talk shit about someone who meant more to him than anyone in his life had ever before. 

And when Keith storms into the dorms only fifteen minutes after the release of the new drill, fuming and shaking, Lance practically jumps up from the couch to cover in a hidden corner, away form the mass of pure hatred and anger. Hunk actually does jump up, almost spilling all of his Uno cards over the floor. Lance grabs his arm, forcing the big guy to sit. 

Five minutes and Keith is back, a small back hung over his shoulder and a fierce expression on his face. Is that a knife at his hip?

"Keith!" Lance shouts, finding his voice after a year of being quiet. "Where you off to?" 

Keith barely looks back to answer. "I'm done with this bullshit. When you see Iverson next time remember that what happened was my doing, no matter how much he denies it. Ask James if you want the story, tough I'm sure he'll spread it around." 

"Wait what?" Lance asks, confused. What happened to Iverson? 

"You'll know what I'm talking about when you see him. Goodbye." 

And with that he's gone, leaving behind an empty bunk three doors from Lance's and unbeatable records for every simulation other than _Kerberos mission 2, rescue operation._

The next time they see Iverson the guy's other eye is busted and James goes off, telling a story of how Cadet Keith blew up at his superior and got booted due to discipline issues. 

Lance keeps reverting back to Keith, shaking. 

He can't help but feel like he should've done something about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's currently 3 am so apologies for any spelling errors :)


	5. Leave the math to Pidge.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance wishes, hopes, prays to whatever entity is listening out here, does everything in his power to make the lion respond. He has to do it, he needs to do this. This is his chance to prove himself. 
> 
> It's your chance to be better than Keith, Lance's brain supplies, but Lance ignores the thought.

Out of all of the people who wind up with Lance on a weird space-lion and later into an intergalactic war, one of them just had to be Keith Kogane. 

Keith, who during the time he was booted and lived out on the desert has turned even more broody and emo than before. 

Lance doesn't know how long he'll be able to stand being in the same castle as Keith. He doesn't know how long he'll be able to stand being in any sort of close proximity to Keith without blowing up. 

Keith gets the Red Lion, and when Lance sees him fly he doesn't stop to question why. 

When he and Blue, yes, work in perfect harmony, there's just something about Keith and Red that spikes Lance's interest. They only do not work in perfect harmony, but they work as _one._ Like one machine. It's almost as if the second Keith places his hands on Red's control sticks they merge together, becoming a single being, one unit. 

And Lance knows he'll probably never be able to pilot anything so seamlessly. He'll always mess up the controls or fumble with the buttons. 

Lance sort of wishes to see inside the cockpit. Do Keith's eyes wander with his hands, switching from button to button in tandem with his arms, or does he stare ahead, his hands working my muscle memory and feeling alone?

Watching Keith decimate galra ships is as graceful as his overall flying. Keith destroyed them without hesitation, without pause. His determination seeps through the bond they share, overwhelming Lance occasionally. 

Keith's feelings are always so strong, always spitting out fire with them. Lance doesn't know what his feelings are like to the others, but Shiro, Pidge and Hunk all are way duller than Keith, just sort of there. 

Keith either is there or isn't, his bond having a mind of it's own. 

And it makes Lance jealous too: Blue is always calm, always in the background. By the few times Lance has felt Red, she always seems to be so present, probably constantly hovering in Keith's head, her unending flames of passion fueling Keith's endless tank, making the two pretty much unbeatable. 

Lance remembers the push up competition Shiro and Keith had just the other day. Shiro, with the quite obvious muscle mass advantage, lost, only because Keith's eyes blazed and he kept on going and going, not willing to give up. When Shiro finally huffed and called it off, breaths unsteady, Keith pretty much toppled to the floor, shaking all over. 

The grin he had on his face was one of hard-earned victory. 

Lance can't stop himself from trying to find the spread-out clues of Keith's heritage. The eyes. The mysterious past. The discipline issues. Keith's unending search for victory. 

Now he sneaks glances at the grim paladin, only half-listening to the pondering of how to defeat Zarkon. Keith's eyes are glued to the floor, his mouth a thin line. 

Allura sneaks glances at Keith too, of course, much stealthier than Lance. But her glances are fueled by suspicion rather than curiosity. Lance is happy that those gazes don't land on him, although he'd rather them land on no one. 

Lance is no newbie to racism. He's a human, for fuck's sake. 

But something about how Allura's treating Keith ticks him off. 

Sure, Keith's an asshole, but he'd probably be as much of an asshole if he were completely human. What Allura is doing, is erasing whatever picture she had of Keith previously, tainting it with whatever preconceptions of the galra she has. 

And Lance knows he's like, supposed to hate Keith, but it makes him angry for Keith, who for once is not willing to stand up for himself. 

Shiro's second disappearance is hard on all of them, but Keith is hit the hardest. Lance feels sorry for him, allowing himself to fully embrace that feeling. Keith deserves the pity: he just lost his brother figure. 

Lance can see the loss in Keith's every move. When he flies, both him and Red are droopy and slow, like much more concerned with something else than flying. Lance can see how Keith's heels drag on the hallway floor, much differently than the almost military-grade stomps he usually does. Lance can hear it in him, as Keith doesn't bother to hide his sounds, making the Red Paladin much more noisier than normal. 

Lance's pity almost makes him act out on it, until they try and find a new Black Paladin. 

He sits at the controls, gathering his strength. 

"Okay. You can do it. This is your moment." 

Lance wishes, hopes, prays to whatever entity is listening out here, does everything in his power to make the lion respond. He has to do it, he needs to do this. This is his chance to prove himself.   
  
_It's your chance to be better than Keith,_ Lance's brain supplies, but Lance ignores the thought. 

"Please, Black. I need this." 

Nothing happens.

Lance isn't surprised, just disappointed, when Black answers to Keith. The lion roars and god, the sound rips Lance's heart apart. 

Keith emerges from the lion, his expression broody, as always. Lance just waits for his brain to supply: _Keith thinks he's better than you. No, he knows so!_ yet his mind is quiet, like expecting something.

The others congratulate him, yet Lance just _can't._ Keith has gotten everything, a perfect bond with his lion, Shiro, and now Black. What next, a beautiful wife?

"No, I don't accept this", Keith says instead. "I can't replace Shiro! You guys were right, I'm the loner. I'm not the leader Shiro thought I was."

And Lance decides to swallow his pride. 

If Black thinks Lance doesn't deserve herself, then fine, he doesn't. But when Keith does, he should be thankful for it. 

So, with a hand to Keith's shoulder like Lance saw Shiro do so many times, Lance speaks: "Keith, no one can replace Shiro. But the Black Lion wouldn't choose anybody she didn't feel like worthy of leading Voltron."

He feels the self-burn but ignores it. "I respect her choice. And you should too." 

And oh, Keith looks like he actually listened. This close, Lance finally has a chance to properly look at Keith's eyes, finally deciding that they're purple. 

Galra purple.

Lance feels his and Keith's friendship grow with every fight they fight side-by-side. He starts to (He hates to admit it) connect to Keith. He can see some good qualities in the guy, finally starting to understand what's going on in that head of his. 

Red helps a lot too. Lance is saddened by the fact that their bond isn't as intense as Keith and Red's was, but he can understand why. If Red thinks she'll lose her pilots more often, why bond with them on such a deep level. 

Lance suddenly realizes how big the boots he's stepping into are. 

The first paladin of the Red Lion, _King Alfor._ How do you even compare to that? 

Lance can see how Keith could. He was the pilot prodigy, he was the one who actually had the bravery to duel Zarkon. Keith's the half galra, the one who had to struggle with his identity, and still is, yet survives. The guy who lost his family, over and over again. 

He doesn't even stop to consider how big Keith's boots are.

Keith leaving them isn't supposed to hurt this much, right? Shouldn't Lance be happy that his rival is going to be gone, leaving him to shine on his own? Then, why do tears prickle the corners of his eyes? Why does he feel like if he'd never spoken to Keith of his own insecurity, they wouldn't be here right now? 

Maybe in that universe, Keith would be here, standing in Voltron's armor and piloting Black, not walking away in a galran suit and a sad hug as the only goodbye. Lance should feel victorious, so why is the only thing he feels sorrow?

Lance doesn't know what happened while Keith was out there, but it changed him. 

Changed him a lot. 

Gone is the impulsive, reckless leader, replaced by a calmer and more considerate leader. Lance can't understand where Keith pulled his mom out of, how he managed to not only fight of the evil Shiro but also be the sole factor why they got the old Shiro back. 

Lance feels useless: he couldn't fight Lotor. Couldn't stop the clone's virus. Couldn't help Shiro. 

The scar on Keith's chin makes Lance curious. It must've come from when he went to get clone Shiro back, but what happened? 

The only thing making Lance feel a bit better is the fact that Shiro looks at the scar like it's the only thing he regrets. 

Lance wants to know what that look leads to, especially when it's returned soft and caring by Keith, who probably barely remembers it's even there.

Okay, Lance admits it, he wants to be closer to Keith. 

This Keith is someone Lance wants to be his friend. This Keith is someone he could actually get along with, someone Lance could talk to and chat to without fearing a fight. 

And the way his and Shiro's relationship is cracking, Lance can see a chance. 

And he takes it, smoothly sliding in between them, stealing Keith's attention to himself. 

Lance doesn't get those soft eyes Shiro always does, but it's okay, because Keith is smiling when he jokes and agreeing to the stuff he says. To be honest, Lance is left to wonder only about two things: What made Keith change and What made Shiro and Keith's relationship fall apart? 

Lance would, of course, ask Keith, but the black haired man doesn't seem to know it himself, always gazing after Shiro with a longing gaze, when the Captain of the Atlas hurries by. 

Lance can see the hurt in Keith's eyes when Shiro doesn't even _look._

And that's when Lance decides that this Keith will not be unhappy because Shiro's a pussy. This Keith will learn how to be happy, without Shiro, but with Lance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if Lance seemed a bit asshole-ish/ooc in this chapter :/ I find it quite difficult to write him with such mixed feelings, but I used some of my own experiences with mixed feelings quite close to what Lance is having right now and reflected on that.


	6. I said I wouldn't cry!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He has never wanted to kill anyone, not even Zarkon or Lotor, as badly as he then wants to kill Shiro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit klance-ish, but can totally be seen as platonic!

Life on the farm is by no means easy. Lance has many chores to do everyday, and he has a lot of animals to look after, yet something about it calms him.

He doesn't have too much time to think about Allura, when all he has to do is _work work work._

Keith becomes a surprising yet not unwelcome factor in Lance's life. The half-galra stops by as often as he can, whether or not to help Lance with his work or ask for supplies. Lance always welcomes Keith, especially when Acxa and the others give the dark haired man concerned glances behind his back. 

Lance can see himself in Keith. Both of them drown themselves with work to not think about those things that make them want to stop. 

Lance, like everyone else, has noticed Keith's deflate. The more and more Shiro distances himself, the more Keith deflates. 

Lance, like many others, yelled to the Captain about it, yet Shiro seems blind and deaf with anything that has to do with Keith.

Shiro and Curtis are married on a beautiful Sunday. There are no clouds in the sky and the weather is warm but not too warm. The spring day, or more like spring week, is gorgeous, perfect for weddings. It is no surprise that Acxa and Veronica get engaged on that week as well. 

Keith turns up at Lance's door on Monday, holding bags and smiling sadly. Lance welcomes him in without question, looking at Keith's back as the man heads for the room that has unintentionally become his. 

During the week Keith works harder than Lance has ever seen, constantly covered in sweat and dirt. Keith does anything Lance tells him to, only agreeing with a small grunt. 

Acxa and Veronica drop by for dinner on Thursday, announcing their engagement. That is the only time, apart from eating and sleeping when Keith doesn't work, instead indulging in a drawn-out conversation with Veronica and Acxa. 

When the two women turn to leave, Acxa lets Veronica walk ahead before turning to Lance with a serious spark in her expression. 

"Keith's not okay", she says, short and simple. 

Lance sighs. "I've noticed." 

"Do something about it. You have a unique effect on him", Acxa huffs, like the most obvious thing in the world. 

"I do?" Lance asks, surprised. 

"Yes. He is the happiest when he returns from spending time here. If someone can get him to feel better it's you", Acxa says, offering a smile. "See you at the wedding." 

"See ya." 

Lance takes Acxa's advise to heart, the next day joining Keith out on the field, where the mullet (well, not so much of a mullet anymore) is tidying up the garden. Keith looks so peaceful between the Juniberries, Lance almost doesn't wanna go talk to him.

Almost. 

"Hey there", he greets, making Keith turn to look up at him. 

"Hi", is Keith's answer, given with a tired sound and dull eyes. Lance wonders where Keith's eternal flame has gone. 

"Mind if I join?" Lance asks, moving to crouch down next to Keith. 

"Sure." 

For a while they work in silence, Lance trying to not be reminded of _her_. The Juniberries are beautiful, one of the reasons why Lance decided to start growing them, but they always bring up bittersweet memories. 

Surprisingly, Keith is the one to start the conversation. 

"I always thought he cared for me like I care for him", Keith says, quietly.

So this is about Shiro. 

"He's an asshole, you realize?" Lance says, his voice surprisingly bitter. "You gave him everything and he just left you." 

Keith hums, but doesn't really sound like he agrees. 

"Keith. You literally brought him back to life, and he hasn't looked at you since", Lance huffs, giving up on the Juniberries and turning to look at his friend. "I have to admit that during the time I was satisfied that you finally got a setback but at this point I just want to punch Shiro in the face." 

Keith, who is still crouched down, flinches at the mention of Shiro's name. Lance can't see his face, but judging by the shaking of his hands, Keith is either about to cry or angry as fuck. 

"I... I guess I did it again. I cared about someone", Keith muses, but his voice shakes like his arms. "And every time I do they leave."

That's when Lance wraps his arms around Keith's shoulders from behind, giving the guy a clearly much needed hug. 

"That's not true", Lance protests. 

"Is it not? My dad and Shiro are the only two people who I cared about like this and they're both gone-", Keith whimpers, his voice giving out at the end. Lance clutches onto Keith a bit tighter as Keith's legs give out from under him, making them both topple onto the ground, flowers puffing into the air as they land. 

Keith tries to be quiet but Lance can hear his sniffles. They're spooning on the ground now - Lance refuses to let go. 

"Hey hey, it's okay to cry", Lance soothes Keith. "Just let it all out." 

And then Keith falls apart, crying out in so much pain that it pretty much rips Lance's heart apart. 

He has never wanted to kill anyone, not even Zarkon or Lotor, as badly as he then wants to kill Shiro. 

"I... he doesn't even- he doesn't look at me anymore!" Keith wails and Lance presses closer, holding on tighter. "I put my all to him, laid it out, promised him things I've never promised to anyone and he left it!" Keith shouts, pressing his hands over his face. 

His shouts have taken an angry tone now, and Lance decides he can use that. 

"Shiro's an asshole", he mutters into the back of Keith's neck. "We don't have to go to the wedding if you don't want to. I'll tell Shiro you're sick or something." 

Keith shakes his head and Lance more feels it than sees, long ago having closed his eyes. 

"I have to go. I have to try one last time, okay?" Keith says, his voice a bit clearer now. "But... will you be there with me?" 

"Every step of the way."


	7. You're way more alien than me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During a fight, both Keith and Red are the manifestation of determination. With their voices in Hunk's head he's pretty sure he could keep on going forever, even without arms or legs and with his lion torn apart. Not that he wants to find out, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry the whole Shiro, Keith and Lance feud was left open like this but I promise I'll solve it, you'll just have to wait *devilish laugh*

Hunk Garret has always pictured Keith as a guy who is hard from the outside and the inside, his opinion mostly forged over years of co-existing on different levels of friendship. 

At first it starts in the Garrison, when Hunk, Keith and Lance wind up in the same year. Hunk obviously becomes Lance's instant best friend, but something about Keith leaves Hunk the impression of someone not to fuck with. 

Even, when Hunk sees James Griffin do it, he only shakes his head or tries to escape the situation, definitely not wanting to be Griffin, especially when the boy is punched on multiple occasions. 

But what Hunk would like to know is how Keith does it. How he walks into a room, distorts the whole gravity of the space, throws objects around with sheer power of will and walks out like nothing happened. Of course, the whole of it being just a metaphor (imagine if he could actually do that), for how Keith just manages to shake up everything and anything within a mile radius of himself. 

Hunk sees the effects immediately, always trying (usually unsuccessfully) to avoid being within the impact radius.

When Keith is on the controls, whether in the simulators or in a secret illegal race, he does what he wants and whenever he wants. Keith disrespects orders and wins those races without batting an eye, completely destroying his competition in the time being. 

Hunk's pretty sure no one else knows about Keith's racing activities than himself and _maybe_ Shiro, although the older man doesn't seem to mind, if he knows. 

But Keith looks amazing out there, on the field. He has a brand new hover bike, one that Hunk remembers looking at from the storefront window with drool dripping down his chin. He has painted it a curious red, with the number 01 on the side, resemblant of his position every race.

That same air of victory translates over to the simulators, where Keith knows what he's doing and doesn't bother hiding it. If he didn't have all of his other problems Keith would be Takashi Shirogane 2.0, but 2.0 in the sense of programs not Disney sequels (not that all of them are bad, but to be honest, most of them are).

Lance clearly senses the same thing Hunk does, yet doesn't act too much on it, just grumbles angrily and rants about his rival/crush literally all of the time. And yeah, Lance doesn't admit that crush part, but c'mon, it's pretty obvious. 

When Hunk's knowledge of Keith deepens during their shared Voltron-experience, he starts to understand the boy a bit better. 

Keith isn't like a rock anymore. 

Part of it comes from the fact Hunk actually has the guts to look Keith in the eyes, finally understanding what Lance meant by all of his rants about the fire. 

Keith's eyes are purple, although a bit grey for a distraction. But those purple eyes are like two bonfires, immediately eradicating Hunk from where he's standing, a comfortable five meters away.

Part of it is the bond. Hunk has never before had an insight on anyone's feelings like that, but he certainly doesn't expect what Keith would bring to the table. 

During a fight, both Keith and Red are the manifestation of determination. With their voices in Hunk's head he's pretty sure he could keep on going forever, even without arms or legs and with his lion torn apart. Not that he wants to find out, though. 

When it's chill time, Keith and Red are a constant hum in the back of Hunk's head, almost as strong as Yellow. They're that thing that constantly keeps Hunk on his toes, searching and searching for a new challenge or a new enemy to fight. It takes a bit of concentration and hard practice to learn how to choke it out, but Hunk tries his best. 

But Keith isn't just pure fire and determination. When it's quiet, perhaps the middle of the night, when Hunk has woken up for a midnight snack with only Pidge and Green online, Keith and Red are quiet, so much that Hunk almost forgets they're there. 

Of course, until Keith jolts awake from what Hunk can only describe as a nightmare. 

It's like someone flicks the lights on into a dark room or someone turns on the stereo in a silent room. Keith's feelings are so filled with sadness and loneliness it makes Hunk drop his sandwich the first time it happens.

It projects everything from the dream into Hunk's mind, starting from the loneliness of the desert and ending with the burn of flames, as they devour the person you loved the most. 

Hunk decides that at that moment, the hell with his sandwich. Instead of munching it up himself, he half speedwalks and half jogs to Keith's room, barely stopping to knock, fully aware that Keith is still awake from the rolls of emotion rolling through the bond. 

"Hey Keith?" he asks through the door, when it doesn't swish open like every other door in the castle does for him. "Mind letting me in?" 

"Why?" is the muffled response Hunk is given. 

"I've got a sandwich for you! Also a hug, if you'd like. I know that my hugs work miracles against nightmares", Hunk says, practically leaning on the door. 

After a moment of silence it swooshes over, revealing Keith inside, making Hunk almost topple forward. He manages to reclaim his composure and when he does, he sees something like a smile flash on Keith's face, but he can't be sure because it went away too quickly for him to register properly. 

"Give me the hug", Keith demands, and for a second Hunk has to rethink everything he just heard. 

"Uhh what?" he has to ask, just to clarify. 

"Gimme the hug. Also that sandwich. Where'd you get a sandwich?" Keith mumbles, opening his arms slightly. 

Hunk sees the bags under Keith's eyes and the way his moving is sluggish and decides that tired Keith is the best Keith, especially if tired Keith has no filter. 

"Sure", Hunk says, moving forward into Keith's open arms. 

But now we've sidetracked again. 

The last part of why Hunk's picture of Keith changed is family. 

Hunk always knew that Keith didn't have a family. He didn't have a mom or a dad, he was just himself. An orphan, thrown from family to family. James Griffin had made sure everyone knew Keith's anime backstory, for reasons that remain unknown to this day. 

But now, as the Paladins of Voltron grow closer, Hunk finds that even when Keith has little knowledge of family, it doesn't matter. 

Keith doesn't take his family for granted. He protects them fiercely, both physically and mentally. When he's gone for those few weeks with his mom, the bond feels empty. Hell, the whole time Keith works with the Blades the bond is empty. Without Keith and Red (because no one - no offence, Lance, but no one will ever be able to replicate what Keith and Red did together), there is that spark missing.

Sure, they all want to win still, but that unending determination that the two had together is something truly unique. Lance can get close, but his determination is different and his motives are different, making a different kind of bond with Red. 

But when Keith comes back, when he travels through half of the Universe for Shiro, that damned determination is back, even when it's now fueled by two different sources.

Black and Keith, together, form a combo much better than what they did before, when Shiro has just disappeared. Even when now, the motive is the same, to save Shiro, something clearly changed in Keith. 

Not that it matters anyway, because their family will be back together soon, Keith just needs to bring Shiro back. Then, everything can turn back to normal. 

When Hunk said everything could turn back to normal, he didn't want this. 

He didn't want their sort of home, the Castle ship, to be sacrificed. He didn't want to wind up in space, without the lions and with tender feelings, just to fight it out and almost get killed. 

He didn't want to find out that Sendak had decided to take over Earth, even when somewhere in the back of his head, he knew someone would. 

He didn't want to learn that his parents were prisoners. 

But surprisingly Keith is there for him, when no one else is. There is an understanding between them, something Hunk knows he'll never experience with anyone again. That the Universe doesn't just give those kinds of connections for free. 

Maybe that's why he keeps on noticing how Keith dims. He's not quite sure what to use as a metaphor here, because even though a dying star sounds right it isn't. Keith is kind of like... a helium balloon? 

And in this metaphor Shiro is the helium and Keith is the ball... no wait that sounds inappropriate. 

Why are metaphors this hard? 

Anyway, Keith dims. Let's settle with that. 

Keith dims, and Hunk doesn't know what to do about it. To help, try and help the two settle their whatever this is? 

Well, Hunk wishes he knew what, for starters. 

Hunk doesn't want to be biased, but Keith literally would do anything for Shiro. And he literally brought the guy back from the dead. 

So why is Shiro paying Keith back by ignoring him? 

Hunk doesn't like that for two reasons. For one, Keith slowly but surely loses that determination. When they fight on that poisonous planet against Zethrid Keith almost dies. And afterwards, Hunk doesn't sense anything victorious or something like 'I'm glad I just survived a near-death-experience'. No, what he senses is disappointment. He doesn't have the guts to ask Keith about it, but he does keep a close eye on his buddy for the next few days. 

He wishes he knew what to do to help. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I'm really fucking salty about how Shiro and Keith's relationship ended? Fuck, I didn't need Sheith, but c'mon, you could even have them i n t e r a c t, you fucking baboons.
> 
> Yeah most of this fic will revolve around that specific shitload so if you're not into that you should probably think about whether or not to use your energy on this. I promise there'll be... some chapters, possibly, where I don't talk about Shiro and Keith's unfortunate end, but idk.


	8. I'm leaving Team Voltron.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But I was wrong too", Keith says, finally locking eyes with Pidge. "It's not wrong to care about the people you love. I would probably have done the same if I were you."

Pidge envies Keith Kogane. 

They first meet and Pidge sees something in Keith that reminds her of herself, but different. There's that desperate longing to find that person you're missing, to find that last piece of family. 

But Keith just got Shiro back. 

Every second Pidge sees the two interact is like a jab to her stomach. It reminds her of what she's missing, because she's less likely to get her family back, to reunite with her brother and father. 

But Keith, on the other hand, is the only one who knows how she feels. No one else in the team understands what Pidge feels, and she believes Keith will stand with her, when she decides to tell the others about leaving to find her family. 

Instead, he claims she shouldn't. 

_"You can't leave."_

Pidge is growing restless. She has to get to her family, no matter what Keith thinks about it. 

_"If you leave, we can't form Voltron. And that means we can't defend the universe against Zarkon. You're not the only one with a family. All these Arusians have families. Everyone in the universe has families."_

Pidge knows, she really does, but that doesn't stop the string slowly coiling around her lungs, telling her to go find them. She has to obey - no matter the cost, right? Hunk sides with her too, see!

_"You're putting the lives of two people over the lives of everyone else in the galaxy!"_

Pidge steps back, surprised at Keith's lashing. For the whole time Pidge has known Keith, he hasn't expressed this much emotion, and now he is yelling at her, for something he'd without a doubt would be doing himself, if the situation would be switched.

It takes Sendak almost winning to make Pidge realize something important. 

This, these people, are her family too. And these people need her help too, and probably even more than the two missing people of her family. 

She promises to look for them, still, but she has a universe to protect. A family to protect (who would frankly be dead by now if it weren't for her). 

That night Keith corners her in a hallway, the man avoiding her questioning gaze. 

"I'm sorry. About earlier. I shouldn't have yelled." 

Pidge's eyebrows rise. She doesn't know what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn't an apology, especially from Keith. If she figured someone would apologize it would be Shiro on Keith's behalf, like the big brother he is. 

"I... It's okay. You were right", Pidge admits, shrugging. "I shouldn't put two people before the whole universe, especially in my position."

"But I was wrong too", Keith says, finally locking eyes with Pidge. "It's not wrong to care about the people you love. I would probably have done the same if I were you." 

There's a newfound understanding between them and Pidge's heart warms a bit, encouraging her next move. 

She moves forward, placing her hand on Keith's shoulder with only a bit of difficulty. "I hate to admit it, but you guys have become my family now too. I will never stop trying to find Matt and dad, but I can defend the universe while doing it." 

Keith smiles at her and Pidge smiles back, the two starting to slowly understand each other. 

Keith may not be as good with machines as Hunk or as motherly as Shiro or as funny as Lance, but Keith is all of those at once. He reminds Pidge of Matt, just a little bit, and it makes hanging out with Keith just that much more fun. 

Pidge spends many evenings tinkering around with Hunk and Keith, Keith eventually shooing Hunk to bed and returning a bit later to place a blanket over Pidge's shoulders, when she has fallen asleep in the middle of work. 

Pidge is comfortable with Keith, their bickering bringing siblings to mind. They often find weird, absolutely random things they have in common, like the fact that Keith prefers the exact same flavor of ice cream as Pidge or that Pidge and Keith's hatred for Iverson is as big. 

Oh, how much they complain about Iverson. When Pidge finds out about Keith's _involvement_ in the damaging of Iverson's eye, she does not stop cackling for the next five minutes, patting Keith on the back. 

The amount of secret updates on the Red lion is unbelievable, which just confuses Lance to no end when the eventual lion switch happens. Pidge just laughs as an another one of her secret additions is found by Lance. 

"I don't remember my lion being able to blast 8-bit versions of every Nirvana song?"

"Wait, does every lion have cup holders?" 

"Why is there a knife in here!?" 

And her favorite is when Lance accidentally presses the super boost she added to the lion, the machine gliding off as just a trail of red, Lance screaming so hard Pidge almost goes deaf. Even Keith laughs at that one. 

The lion switch brings Pidge and Keith as close as ever, when Pidge is the first to notice how little Keith is eating and how much darker the circles under his eyes have gotten. She is the one to force him to take a break from his never-ending search of Shiro and she is the one to remind him of eating and sleeping. 

The swirl of worry about Keith's well-being alerts Pidge to a few realizations, which she will probably never voice out, but holds close to her heart. 

Keith is like a brother to her now. Hunk and Lance are her best friends, so are Shiro and Allura. 

Keith is the only one whose connection with her goes deeper then that. Pidge realizes this, as she watches Keith's chest rise and fall under the blanket. 

Pidge smiles, moving a bit closer to Keith's unbelievably warm body.

As Keith's sort of sister, Pidge also nags him on about his not-so-secret crush on Lance, urging him to make a move before it's too late. Keith keeps on insisting that it's fine, that Lance is obviously straight, and Pidge wants to facepalm so hard that her glasses break. Instead, she settles with punching Keith's arm

"Ow!" Keith squeals, rubbing his arm. "What was that for?" 

"For being an idiot", is Pidge's answer, as she continues on her current experiment. "Lance missed you so much when you were gone." 

"That doesn't mean anything, Pidge", Keith groans, moving restlessly in his hospital bed. Everyone else had gotten out already, but it didn't mean Pidge didn't drop by to hang out with Keith, when the other was still strictly contained to his bed. "I mean, you missed me too", Keith adds, but doesn't sound so sure about it. 

"Of course I did, you buffoon, but I didn't ask around about you _constantly,_ nor did I almost faint upon seeing you after a rough month of separation", Pidge adds, looking up at Keith. "Besides, when you were still in a coma, Lance was so worried, he could barely go for five minutes without asking an update on your situation. It drove the nurses crazy."

Keith fumbles a bit and Pidge smirks, knowing he can't counter her words. 

"Just take the advice, Keith." 

Pidge knows from his expression that he won't, but decides to leave it for now. Maybe he will have a bit of a confidence boost when Lance comes by later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keith's coma will be discussed and elaborated on further in a few future chapters ;)


	9. I wanted to hate you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That's when the building collapses.

The Blade of Marmora brings both good and bad news. Allura is, of course, glad to have new allies, even if they are... galra. It is still hard for her to stand close to Kolivan without goosebumps. 

Not to even mention Keith. 

Allura's eyes brush over the said paladin and something aches in her chest. She can see how deep in thought Keith is, yet she can't wonder if he knew this whole time. Allura can't help but feel that Keith must've known _something_ was up with himself. 

Surely, being half-galra must have changed Keith somehow, made him different from full-blooded humans. Allura is filled with curiosity to find out, yet stops herself from asking. For one, now is certainly not the time, and two, Allura isn't entirely sure she can even speak to the paladin. 

Allura twitches when she notes, for what must be the tenth time, that Keith is piloting her father's lion.

She tries to tune it out, insisting that _no, the Red Lion did not choose a half-galra over you._ Focusing on Kolivan's explanation and his explanation only helps, but the thought lingers in the back of her mind, occasionally bubbling up. 

When Shiro disappears, Allura's doubt of Keith is just a flicker, as she runs after him. She immediately feels guilty, yet for some reason, is unable to push the thought away of a betrayal, even when such a thing is beyond her imagination. 

Could he have somehow sabotaged Shiro through the bond? Well, Allura doubts he has the skill to do so.

Could he have sabotaged the Black Lion? How? Would the Lion even open for him, if his intentions were something like that?

Then again, this must've been something out of Black's control. The first step was to see, how Shiro was actually doing. 

They breached the cockpit of the collapsed Lion, Keith flooding in first. 

What they find is... disturbing.

The pilot's seat is empty, yet the Black bayard sits in it's place, looking so lonely without it's owner. Allura feels the Lion's quintessence only barely, the most powerful Lion collapsed, leaving Allura feeling empty and hollow from where the Lion's quintessence previously occupied the back of her mind. The other Lions hover there, in the background, all panicking. Allura tries to soothe them without success. 

Then her eyes land on Keith and she sees his legs buckle, as he collapses against the back of the seat. 

Every shred of whatever she was trying to piece out between Keith and Shiro's disappearance is gone, changing to a mass of self-loathing through Allura. Who was she to doubt Keith's care for someone who he seemed to consider family. Who was she to doubt Keith's sincerity. 

She surprises everyone, including herself, by placing a hand on Keith's shoulder. She knew what it was like to lose family. 

"I'm sorry, Keith", she whispers, clutching the shoulder. 

Keith jerks under her.

"He's not gone." 

"Keith", Hunk whines. 

"No. He's not gone", Keith hisses, pulling his shoulder away from Allura. "I'm going to go find him." 

And then Keith was gone, and soon Allura felt Red's quintessence leave the castle, most likely taking the Red Paladin with it. 

Allura holds onto her hope for as long as she dares, standing outside the Black Lion, but when Keith is the last one to not have tried, her belief starts to flicker. 

She can see reluctance in Keith's every step. He almost physically coils away from the Lion, not weak anymore, just idle. A spark of joy reels Allura's attention when Keith enters the cockpit. 

It takes an agonizing few seconds, and then the lion awakes, roaring deafeningly. 

Allura knows they need a leader, that Voltron needs it's head, yet... why Keith? He clearly does not want the position, nor is he emotionally ready for it, unlike someone like her. Sure, call her selfish for wanting to get the position, but she knows she can do it! She can surely do better then Keith!

Allura keeps those thoughts to herself, however, having long ago learnt the way of keeping her mouth shut to not anger people so close to the knife's edge. 

Flying the Blue Lion is a new experience, one that Allura was not expecting the slightest. A splash of disappointment is still there, for not gaining his father's lion, but it's greatly overshadowed by the thrill of flying the Lion. 

Sure, she's unfamiliar with the controls and she and Blue don't work so seamlessly together yet, but the case is similar with Lance and Keith, Lance plagued by his doubts and Keith by his anger. 

The bond is something Allura is completely unprepared for. The first time they form Voltron like this Allura almost faints from the entourage of emotions and bonds. 

Pidge is collective and calculating, Allura gaining a new sense of planning from her, mixed in with the curiosity of youth. Hunk is anxious, sure, but he's also a rock, providing Allura with emotional support, even when he probably is unaware of it happening. Lance is a sea of emotions, to be honest, and it's a stark contrast to Red's fire of ambition, but they do blend surprisingly well together. Black is distant, exactly as she was before, yet now she blends in with the others, not on the front and most prominent like before. 

Keith is fire, too, but different from Red's. 

Red is a shield, protecting her family.

Keith is a forest fire, one that rages on for weeks and burns everything in it's path, not bothering to stop for anyone or anything. His determination to protect is strong, yet his way of doing so is so different from Red that the two fires are unmistakable from the other two. 

The intensity of Keith distracts Allura and she's suddenly somewhere deep in Keith's memory. She tries to pull away, to go back to reality, but she's stuck. 

It's fire again. It's in her lungs and stings her eyes. Something's coiled around her torso, holding her in place. 

"DAD!" her mouth moves and the sound comes out, but it's not her voice. It must be a young boy's. 

"DAD!" they yell again, thrashing around the person holding them. 

Suddenly someone emerges from the fire and the smoke, carrying a young girl in their arms. They hand the child off to someone out of their field of vision. 

"Dad", they cry out again, their voice becoming sore from the yelling. 

The man turns, dressed in odd clothing that Allura has never seen before, a yellow hat on their head. 

The man crouches down and places a big hand on their head, a smile on his dirty face. 

"There are people still inside Keith", they say, unnaturally calm for the situation. Their hand is huge compared to Keith and Allura's head.

"But we were getting pizza!" Keith whines. 

The man chuckles. He must be Keith's father, if the yelling earlier and their current exchange is anything to go by.

"We'll get pizza when I come back."

And then the man turns and heads back into the flaming building. The hands are around them again, stopping them from running after the man. 

"DAD!" 

The person holding them shushes them and they break down into tears, ugly crying.

For a while they watch the building, frantically searching for any sign of their dad. The person holding them starts to slowly quide them backwards, away from the building. Allura sighs in relief, as it helps the burn she feels on their face, but Keith fights back, reaching out to the flames. 

That's when the building collapses. 

Allura wakes up to a colder room than ever, yet now she couldn't be more thankful for Blue's cool air and calming presence in her mind.

And it is in that exact moment, when Allura loses the last of her doubt. Keith has been through as much hurt as her in his life and he does not deserve more, not her hatred. 

The space around her does not give her the sense of calm she wishes to acquire, but perhaps settling this will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Allura is kind of a dick here and I'm sorry for that but it's very in character for her during this time of the show.


	10. Listen up, number four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This piques Keith's interest again. "What was he like, back then?"

A late-night walk is nothing new for Coran. He has been wondering during the night ever since he was able to walk and escape the bed his parents set for him. He knows his way around the Castle, even when the only thing accompanying his walks is a small flashlight. 

The main hallways are, of course, lit up, but Coran isn't taking the main route to the kitchens. These more forgotten parts of the Castle need someone to walk through them once in a while too, and Coran is more than happy to help. He pats the wall gently when he turns a corner. 

A non-Altean would probably call him crazy for doing this, but Coran (like all other Alteans) knows how different their technology is. Of course, the Castle will never reach the same kind of sentience as the Lions, for example, but the ship is still more of a being than a machine. Compared to the Galra cruisers, for example, the Castle of Lions is a being. 

Coran passes an another hallway, noting that he'll soon be at the kitchen. His stomach grumbles and he decides to see if Hunk has left something in the fridge. Food goo might not be a good idea this late at night, as the substance always has Coran's stomach disagreeing. 

He strolls into the kitchen, not suspecting any of the Paladins to be there, leading him to jumping in surprise when he spots Keith leaning against one of the counters. 

"Number four!" Coran greets, pulling his mustache. "I didn't expect to see anyone up this late. What are you up to?" he asks, walking to the fridge. 

"I could ask you the same thing", Keith says, his voice sounding a bit dull for the normal. Coran picks up on it immediately, his brain forming a plan to soothe the Paladin before he even has time to fully realize what the situation could be.

"Well I'm just taking a late-night walk, number four. Someone needs to tend to the Castle's needs", Coran explains, squinting when the light in the fridge almost makes him go blind. 

"The Castle's needs?" Keith asks, taking a sip from whatever he's drinking. "The Castle has needs?" 

"Oh yes it does", Coran answers, pulling out a package of some kind of snacks Hunk made with the ingredients from a planet they passed a while ago. They look good and are made by Hunk, so Coran decides that they're worth trying. "The Castle needs her attention too. Someone has to walk the unused hallways sometimes. Pat the walls, that kind of thing", Coran explains, tasting the round cookie-like snack. It tastes like a mix of berries and Coran takes an another bite. 

"Oh."

Coran looks at Keith, noting his thoughtful expression. "Something the matter, Keith?"

The Paladins snaps his head up from the glass, his eyes catching Coran's before jolting away. The dark circles are more visible under his eyes than ever. 

"I... I guess I haven't been sleeping well. Since, y'know", Keith mumbles, swirling his glass, the liquid glimmering in the dark.

Ah. The disappearance of Shiro. 

"Is number one the only thing?" Coran tentatively asks.

Keith is quiet. At that moment he reminds Coran of someone he will never see again and it twists his heart. The hunch in Keith's shoulders, the clouds in his vision. Coran has never seen the connections clearer. 

"You remind me of two people I used to know", Coran says, feeling blunt. Keith looks at him, curiosity in his body language. The boy doesn't ask further, letting Coran elaborate further himself. He appreciates it, wishing he'd spent more time getting to know Keith better before everything... changed. 

"King Alfor and Emperor Zarkon", Coran simply says. 

Keith flinches at the mention of the Emperor, looking back at his glass. "That's kind of what I'm worried about, too", Keith admits. "That I'll become something like Zarkon."

Coran raises an eyebrow. "You're afraid of becoming a space-conquering madman?" 

Keith chuckles, the sound surprisingly new to Coran. He hasn't heard the sound before, but he finds himself enjoying the softness of Keith's voice. 

"I'm afraid of becoming a bad leader. Of failing the team", Keith says, his voice giving out at the end as he takes an another sip. "I don't want to be the Black Paladin, Coran. I'm not fit for this."

Coran scrunches his eyebrows. "You do have room for improvement, but I think the Black Lion chose a great pilot. She wouldn't pick someone unworthy of the spot." 

Keith only hums, clearly not convinced. 

"You see, you remind me of Zarkon during his younger days", Coran says, sighing. "What he is now... is nothing like the Zarkon I remember." 

This piques Keith's interest again. "What was he like, back then?" 

Coran smiles as his memories take him into a different time, a different place. 

"He was a gentle giant. He cared so much for his people, and he did everything for the Galra. His rise to emperor was a tough fight, where he had to prove himself hundreds of times to finally gain the trust and respect of his people. The only one who, eventually, meant more to him than his people was Honerva, his lover."

"Is Honerva Lotor's mother?" Keith asks, tilting his head. "Could Lotor be that old?" 

Coran shrugs: "Lotor could very well be their son, but he can't naturally be that old. Either he was put to cryosleep, like myself and Allura, or he's someone else's son. I can't see Zarkon having a relationship with the stage he is in now, though. You heard Lotor calling himself the temporary Emperor. That means Zarkon is still alive." 

Keith sighs. "We didn't really do anything. We just lost Shiro, and for what? To injure Zarkon?" he wonders, moving to the fridge to re-fill his glass. Keith doesn't even squint when the bright light of the fridge graces his eyes, keeping them open to find the glass of... alcohol.

"Are you allowed to drink that, number four?" Coran asks, looking over Keith's shoulder. 

"Let's just say maybe to that. It's not anything new to me, Coran. Besides, we're not on Earth anymore."

Coran would like to argue, but Keith doesn't seem to be taking the effects of the drink badly, so he decides to let the Paladin drink. 

"Why do you say I remind you of Alfor, Coran?" Keith asks, looking up at the ceiling. "I can't really see a connection between me and the perfect Altean king." 

Before he has time to stop it, Coran laughs. "Alfor wasn't perfect by any means, no", he chuckles. "He made many, many mistakes during his lifetime. But he learned from each and every one of them."

Coran holds a pause, trying to look for a way to get the next sentence across in a way Keith would understand. 

"You both lost a friend", Coran finally says. "Alfor's heart broke when Zarkon broke the alliance, shredding Voltron apart. He searched for a way to reconnect for months, yet never found it."

Keith's shoulders slump further. "So you think I will never find Shiro?" 

"No, no", Coran hurries to correct himself. "I think you will find a way to make things right again. I have seen how devoted you are to Shiro. I have no doubt you will find a way to get him back."

For a second Coran's memory flashes to Zarkon betraying all of his team to save Honerva, but he doesn't tell that to Keith.

"Listen, number four. We go through things that leave us scarred but what makes us strong is how we come back again, and rise from the ashes. I know you will get through this, Paladin of the Black and Red lions." 

And with that, Coran leaves, his mind working hard to find new ideas on how to guide Keith to the right path.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, sorry! I guess I haven't been angsty enough to write a chapter (Still not!) which is, y'know, good for me but bad for the progression of this fic.
> 
> So enjoy a bit more of a calmer chapter with space uncle Coran and our favorite baby boy.


	11. You're my...!?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hello, Krolia", Coran answers, pulling himself a chair by Keith's bedside. "Is he any better?" 
> 
> Krolia shakes her head. "Still... gone. The doctors say it's not a coma, exactly, but they don't seem to figure out what it could be either."

Krolia, despite having a son, never thought of herself as a mother. Galran mothers always had a fury to them, a fire, which Krolia never saw in herself when she looked into the mirror. Yes, she left her family behind to protect them. Yes, she misses her husband and child very much. 

Yet she never took pride in herself for being a mother. Well, until now. 

Keith is there, so grown up and having faced the world all on his own, yet Krolia feels every need to protect him. To keep him from harm's way, even as harm has already clearly made it to him. Krolia made one of the biggest choices in her life to keep this boy away from the war, only for him to end up tangled in it and deep: the least she can do now is make sure that he survives it.

The quantum abyss is something that enlightens her: the journey never ceases to highlight the wonder which is Keith. Even the frequent flashbacks they see are centered around him, not her. Not that there is anything special about Krolia's life, anyways. 

Keith is the special one. A paladin of Voltron, even if mostly in past tense. A blade. A hybrid. A warhero. A reckless yet caring person. 

Krolia can't help but care more and more of this amazing person that is Keith Kogane. Her son. Her spawn. 

And slowly she feels herself become a mother. 

To say that Keith's friends take him for granted is an understatement. From both of how Keith speaks of his friends and the flashbacks she can gather how much he cares for them. And how much he got in return. 

_"Won't they miss you?" Krolia asks after a flashback of Keith leaving his friends to join the Blades. "Surely, for being a team for so long, you've forged a bond?"_

_Keith looks down, a new expression on his face. It's raw, filled with a mix of resentment and misery. Krolia flinches._

_"They'll be fine." Keith mutters. "I made sure that the impression I left was more negative than positive."_

_"You faked your interest in Lotor?" Krolia asks, confused. "Why?"_

_Keith shakes his head: "No. My interest in Lotor is very real. I just... overdid it on purpose. Made sure to be just a bit too impulsive. A bad leader, well, I really was at the beginning. But I did learn, just never... acted like it."_

_Krolia's expression softens. "You pushed them away to not hurt them."_

_Keith buries his head between his knees. "Reminds me of something I said. We filmed these little videos called paladin vlogs. I said something like "I push people away before they reject me.". I guess I should've noticed that I was doing it already, at that point."_

_"Keith...", Krolia tries, but doesn't know how to make him feel any better. Instead, they sit in silence, the space wolf snuggling to Keith's side._

_After a moment of silence Keith quietly ads: "I don't think it made much difference. Me leaving was inevitable, I suppose."_

_Keith doesn't see how saddened Krolia is, his head buried too deep between his knees._

Keith is sleeping when Krolia thinks about the man her son is. His life is tangled with so many others, all of them important. He has left a mark on people, and will be leaving many others, yet the man himself somehow fails to see his importance. Keith is humble, yes, but also thick-skulled, perhaps blind to his own affections. 

It is a good quality, yes, but a bad one too to Keith's extent, especially when it's mixed with the blade's thinking of 'your life is expendable'.

Maybe she shall have a talk with Kolivan about that when they return. 

Krolia sits at Keith's bedside, praying for him to wake up like the other paladins have. Prays for him to open his amethyst eyes and look up at her with that same kind of surprised expression like always, when he sees her there. That he sees someone there.

The other paladins visit occasionally. Allura drops by, trying to figure out why Keith is not waking up. She's too weak to do anything about it. She doesn't return. Lance, Pidge and Hunk all bud in at once, chatting along around Keith as if the man himself were there. At some point the conversation dulls when the raven-haired half-galra doesn't wake up. Shiro's singular visit is brief, only a pass-by if going by Krolia's standards. He looks extremely uncomfortable in the situation, until Krolia makes up an excuse for him to leave. The glad expression on the captain's face makes Krolia's heart twist. 

Coran comes in one day, the same day of Shiro's speech, fifteen minutes before the start of the program. Kolivan excuses himself. The orange-haired man comes in, looking troubled. Keith hasn't woken up yet, worrying Krolia. 

"Coran, nice to see you", Krolia greets him, nodding and allowing the man to enter, as he sticks to the doorway, much more careful than the others have been with entering the room. It strangely calms Krolia's nerves. 

"Hello, Krolia", Coran answers, pulling himself a chair by Keith's bedside. "Is he any better?" 

Krolia shakes her head. "Still... gone. The doctors say it's not a coma, exactly, but they don't seem to figure out what it could be either."

Coran gulps. "I may be able to offer some insight to that."

Krolia's eyebrows raise as she leans forward, sharp eyes keeping a close eye on the man sitting on the other side of her son's hospital bed. "Continue."

"This is... not the first time the Black Paladin has been injured more than his teammates", Coran begins, his eyes unfocusing for a moment. Krolia twitches as she remembers how Keith spoke of Shiro's disappearance, or more accurately: death.

"So I looked into it. Everything we had in the castle is stored in the Atlas so I took a good dig around and found something that Alfor had carefully hidden... when he thought that the Lions would only be piloted by him and his colleagues." 

Krolia leans forward, her curiosity peaking. Coran shifts nervously. 

"Alfor and Zarkon planted a special feature into the lions, the two of them being the only ones aware of it", here Coran takes a deep breath "In a moment of injury to the paladins, the Black Lion will absorb a chunk of the damage the other lions receive, preventing serious injury or even death of the other paladins, confining the fatal damage to the one lion only."

Krolia's heart stops. 

"So what you're saying is..." 

"The Black Lion protects the other paladins and lions from serious and fatal injuries at the cost of it and it's paladin."

Something in her snaps at that second, but she keeps the flurry of emotions inside her. "So Zarkon agreed to this...?" she asks, not finding it in the tyrant to agree to sacrifice himself for others. 

Coran looks even more saddened, if possible. "Zarkon used to be a very different man", he muttered, but Krolia couldn't find it in her to believe his words. Her eyes find Keith, who is still unconscious and unresponsive. 

"So... what happened to my son?" 

Coran looks from his hands to Keith's unmoving face. He looks calm, motionless. Too motionless. 

"He's stuck in a place that is not death nor life. It's dreamless, timeless. It's most likely him and darkness", Coran explains. "The same happened to Zarkon once." 

"How did he re-awaken?" Krolia asks, feeling her throat dry up. 

"Something... called out for him?" Coran tries, but Krolia looks unimpressed. The mustached altean raises his hands in a peaceful effort. "Zarkon's descriptions of it were very unclear. But something will come and pull Keith out of the limbo. Someone, something. Words, actions, I don't know. But he will wake up." 

"Hmm." 

Shiro's speech is very well written, very him. So impressive Krolia almost misses the shift in the room when Keith's head turns. Krolia snaps her head to look at the man, who slowly but surely inches his eyes open. 

A smile stretches over her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a headcanon here: I feel like it would make sense for the Black Lion to protect her peers? Especially considering what kind of a person past Zarkon was, he probably suggested it. 
> 
> Downside with secretly added stuff: they usually mess up the next people who use them :/
> 
> Hope you enjoyed. I should write these more often, seeing as these don't take too long to write... I just don't have the mindset for angst too often.


	12. I knew I had to find my own path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Thank you", she whispers while passing the man, now frozen on his feet. "For everything."
> 
> And then she's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it again! With something a bit more cheerful? Mayhaps?
> 
> Just kidding I will find a way to angst anything.

Acxa finds Keith Kogane to be one interesting individual. From their first meeting inside of the weblum to their current predicament, standing together on the bridge of a Blade ship, she keeps on finding out just how amazing this man really is. Acxa could, if she were into men, easily imagine herself falling for the man in front of her, his long black hair tied back into a low ponytail, his shoulders squared and his silhouette lined by the lights of the bridge. The journey here has been long for her, yet she feels like she's nowhere near the end of this story.

Keith is... well Acxa finds it difficult to piece together a proper sentence. Keith is something she finds difficult to put together; a man of many forms, of such bendability he seems to go on endlessly, always finding a solution, always bending to reach his goals. Acxa knows he hasn't always been as smooth as he is now, hell, she's been there to see it. Keith has made many questionable choices, a good handful of mistakes. Yet from every one of those, a new, better Keith, has risen from the ashes. No one is perfect... but it doesn't get much better from Keith, to Acxa's preferences at least.

That adoration spikes so close to what her feelings for Lotor used to be that Acxa flinches. She doesn't understand why she keeps up finding herself in these situations over and over again: here she is, the right hand of a grand political figure and a great fighter, donning armor belonging to a certain stand and joined by her two friends. Acxa glances aside, seeing Zethrid and Ezor stand in the places they like to always stand, Ezor in the middle and Zethrid next to a wall. The only thing noticeable is the gap between Ezor and Acxa, a one person space there, like left for someone to occupy. When Acxa looks back at Keith, for a second, she sees a white-haired man instead.

"I need a break", she says out loud, surprising both her friends and Keith, the latter turning from the console to her, eyebrows raised. "This is quite sudden", Keith says, raising an eyebrow. "Something wrong?"

And Acxa doesn't know how to answer. For once, she is speechless, left staring at Keith with a slightly opened mouth, trying to search for something to say. There's an unspoken question in his eyes, and for a second a vision flashes in Acxa's eyes.

A man, blood splattered all over him, breathing heavily. Dark bangs stick to his face, the rest of his long hair escaped from it's braid. A blade, dripping with the same red substance. The eyes. The yellow, unnatural colored eyes (for the man she is looking at) shining with a murderous glint, the only purple still visible a mere slit, yet the exact same shade as the one in the eyes curiously looking at her right now.

It takes all of Acxa's willpower to not turn and run at that very moment. "I- I need to think things through. I need to speak to Veronica-", Acxa mumbles, now truly taking a step back. Keith looks genuinely concerned now. "Acxa are you sure you're alright? I will of course grant you a vacation, but is something the matter?" Keith asks, now fully turning away from the console, his eyes glinting. Acxa flinches.

"Um", Ezor starts. "Maybe we should go... yeah. See you later, boss", Ezor says, grabbing Acxa by her shoulder and rushing off, leaving two confused teammates behind.

Ezor doesn't take Acxa far, just to the small meeting room right next to the bridge. She sits Acxa down, offering her a cookie she pulled from who knows where. "Calm down", Ezor urges Acxa, who only now realizes how ragged her breaths had been. "And tell me what's going on."

Acxa munches on the cookie, wondering about what to tell Ezor, who has decided to place herself on the table in front of Acxa, sitting quietly for once in her life, eyes scanning the rarely used room. The cookie tastes good. Must be from the batch Hunk left earlier.

"You know you can tell me anything", Ezor softly begins when Acxa finishes the cookie. "I'm not gonna force you to, but I'd like to think we share things as important as something to drive you into a panic attack", Ezor sighs, turning to look at Acxa with a concerned expression.

"I wasn't-", Acxa tries to argue but Ezor silences her refusal with one knowing look.

"We're best friends Acxa, and there's nothing that's gonna change that. I can still read you like an open book and I know a panic attack when I see one, 'kay? So stop", Ezor says, pouting. "and tell me what's going on."

Acxa is baffled, not expecting this sudden honesty from Ezor, but something in the woman's eyes softens Acxa's usual shell.

"He reminds me of him", she mutters, biting her lips. 

"Who?" Ezor asks, completely thrown off the tracks. "Wha?" 

"Keith. Reminds. Me. Of. Lotor."

And oh, it feels so much better after admitting it aloud. A heavy weight comes off of Acxa's heart, allowing her to take a deep breath. 

"There. That's the truth."

Ezor looks surprised enough that she could fall of the table at any moment, yet her gaze softens quickly. "Oh."

"Yeah", Acxa awkwardly mumbles. "I know it's weird and stuff but..."

"No I see your point", Ezor says, shrugging. "I wasn't as influenced by him as you", -and Ezor doesn't specify who but Acxa thinks it doesn't matter which man they're talking about, "but I understand where you're coming from. And I can see the cause for a panic attack", Ezor says, her face darkening. 

Ezor looks into Acxa's eyes, smiling. "If you wanna go right now, I can pull an explanation for Keith. You should go to your pretty girlfriend for a while, anyway." 

Acxa is glad for the offer, but shakes her head. "Keith deserves an explanation. Would you tell him to come here?" 

Ezor nods, smiling, before hopping off the table and walking away, turning once more at the door. 

"I hope things turn better for us someday. It's gotta happen, right?" Ezor muses, laughing awkwardly. "See you later, Acxa."

"See you."

And then Ezor is gone, leaving Acxa alone with her thoughts, as she tries to figure out what to tell Keith without hurting his feelings or implying that Keith is in any way resemblant of one power hungry prince. Or Emperor. Whatever.

But Keith is there too soon for Acxa to figure herself out, the man entering the room with curiosity. 

"Acxa?" He calls out as he sees her seated at the end of the table, ironically usually his place. Something in her expression must alert him, as he takes a seat at the other end of the table, not coming too close. "What's... going on?"

Acxa takes in a deep breath before beginning, deciding to go for strict improvise. 

"I... you know how much I have appreciated you, and everything you've done for me during these years of us knowing each other", Acxa begins and Keith hesitantly nods, not seeing the point of the conversation yet. "But I", Acxa begins, frowning at her hands in concentration. "I just feel like I'm repeating my past again. I'm sorry if this offends you, but you remind me of Lotor... so much." 

Acxa can't bear looking straight at Keith yet still somehow senses how Keith deflates at the statement, flinching away from Acxa, who hurries to somehow path the situation. "I mean-!" she stumbles over her words, raising up her hands in panic "You just both have similarities! That's it! I don't mean to say you're some kind of psychopath or power-hungry or anything like that!" 

But the damage is already done, no matter how much Keith tries to hide it. The man is trying, though. 

"No it's... it's fine. I can't really see it, but I never knew him like you did", Keith says, laughing awkwardly. "I never did know him. I saved his life many times and he did the same yet... we were never introduced. I guess", Keith mumbles staring at his hands, eyebrows scrunched up. "I can, to be honest... kind of see it, actually."

Yet there's something cold between them now, something that wasn't there before Acxa went and said what she said, but it's now there and will never leave again. And it breaks Acxa's heart. 

So she does the hard thing to do: she stands up and gulps. 

"I believe this was the last time we worked together like this. It was a pleasure, but I... I need something new. I'm going to see Veronica for a while." 

Keith stands as well, catching Acxa's eyes. There's an emotion masked surprisingly well in them, for a man who rarely ever stops an emotion from showing. It's such a deep sadness it smashes whatever remains of Acxa's heart. 

"I understand. Enjoy the rest of your life. I'll... send Acxa and Zethrid to visit you as often as they can", Keith says, now more official in his tone, giving out his hand. 

Acxa takes his hand and the shake is firm, just like Lotor's, except warmer. 

"Thank you", she whispers while passing the man, now frozen on his feet. "For everything."

And then she's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I begun this with a "Hey, maybe I could write something a bit more cheerful today!" and ended with a "Fuck I'm making myself cry over fictional characters again >:("
> 
> So I am as much of a train wreck as usual.


	13. I'm sorry, I guess.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wanted to apologize for what I said a while ago."
> 
> "You already did", Keith mutters, still not looking at James. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really feeling like writing but I felt like you guys deserved a new chapter... so here!

It would be an understatement to call one individual Keith Kogane unusual. No, Keith Kogane is something so much more than unusual: he's an exception, a mystery. 

A challenge. 

Well, perhaps a challenge to others, but not himself, James Griffin likes to think. Everyone, even the teachers, seem to have trouble with Kogane, but he certainly does not. No, definitely not. James intends to have Keith either lash out at him or not react at all. Kogane always acts the way Griffin wants him to, without exception. 

If only he could think like that with a straight face. 

No, Keith Kogane plays by no one else's rules but his own. Even Shirogane has problems with him, even though the man has, through some miracle, formed a bond with the boy. It definitely does not make James jealous, not at all. Thank god someone is there to stop Keith from going completely rogue, right? 

James grits his teeth and watches the two men interact from the opposite side of the cafeteria. There is something going on, and James would like to get to the bottom of what exactly that something is. 

"Could you calm down for five minutes, James?" Nadia asks, sighing. "I know you're busy being jealous over Keith or whatever, but please, stop staring at them for five minutes", she complains, poking James' cheek. "You look like you wanna murder Shirogane." 

"Maybe I do", James murmurs but hesitantly turns his face from the pair to Nadia, who pouts. 

"I don't know what you think is going on between them, but whatever it is it can wait. Let's eat for once without you trying to not act out on your huge and obvious crush on Keith."

"I do not have a crush on Kogane!" James protests, even though he knows his attempt is futile. The unimpressed look Nadia sends his way further proves that, making James slouch down on his chair. 

"You know, maybe if you did something about it Keith might be willing to at least go out with you", Nadia suggests, taking a chomp out of her sandwich. 

James snorts, sipping his water before sighing: "Keith hates me."

Nadia raises an eyebrow. "How would you know that?" 

James frowns. "I literally insulted his parents. His dead parents. Parents whom I knew were dead, yet did so anyway. Of course he hates me."

Nadia shrugs. "A good apology could do the trick", she says, like it's the most obvious thing on the planet. 

"I did apologize", James answers. 

"Did you mean it?" 

For a moment they sit in silence, James thinking about Nadia's words. 

Did he mean it?

_"Sorry, I guess", he muttered, avoiding the slightly shorter boy's eyes. "I shouldn't have said something like that about your parents", he continued, feeling like he's about to die from shame, both of his parents glaring at his back. He can't help it if the words sound a bit forced out._

_"It's okay."_

_James frowns. "Cool."_

_Keith turns away, his shoulders set tight and his steps unpurposeful yet hurried._

"I guess he could've understood it as ingenuine", James mutters. "My parents were grilling me up."

Nadia raises her eyebrows. "Maybe a good re-take of that would be in order, don't ya think?" 

James glances thoughtfully back at Keith and Shirogane, who are still sitting at the same table as before, Keith laughing at some joke Shirogane made. 

"I'm gonna do it right now", James says, determined. 

"James, our lunch!" Nadia complains, but does not stop him from getting up. James makes his way across the room, determined. Keith notices him before Shirogane does and his laughter dies down, turning into a curious but toned down expression. His eyes are cold. 

"Hi", James begins, awkward. 

"Cadet Griffin", Shirogane greets him, smiling and nodding curtly. "Can I help you?" 

"I actually wanted to talk to you, Keith", James says, addressing Keith, trying to catch his gaze. Keith adverts his eyes to Shirogane, who looks at James' classmate, an unsaid question in his eyes. 

"I'll be right back", Keith says quietly, moving to stand. James' nervousness suddenly spikes. This is it. This is what he's been waiting for.

Keith raises his eyebrow, nodding to the hallway. James moves out first, listening out for Keith's steps. He can't hear them so he glances back, surprised to see the other following him. Are Keith's steps really that quiet?

The hallway is unoccupied but James walks a bit further away anyway, stopping a good distance away from anything but supply closets. He clears his throat, suddenly not finding his voice.

Keith looks bored and unimpressed, tapping his foot against the floor impatiently. 

"What is this about?" Keith asks, his voice cold. 

James gulps before starting, praying to god he doesn't sound as nervous as he feels. 

"I wanted to apologize for what I said a while ago."

"You already did", Keith mutters, still not looking at James. 

"No-, I, I wanna apologize properly. I am really sorry for what I did, Keith", James begins and Keith glances at him, his eyes peeking out from under his bangs. "I knew, I did, about your past", and at that Keith flinches, but James doesn't let it bother him too much. "yet I said what I said. And I know I can't just take it back but I need to apologize because I didn't mean it. You deserve to be here, just as much as anyone here. I'm sorry, Keith." 

Keith looks at James now, his attention on him and him only, his expression more surprised than James has ever seen him. Keith's eyebrows are raised high and his mouth is open in a small o, his eyes twinkling. 

James gulps again, the actually hard part approaching. "And I do want to start over, with the two of us. I want to be your friend Keith, no strings attached."

This makes Keith's eyebrows raise even higher, if possible. He bites his lip and frowns. 

"Okay."

And James is surprised at how easy that was. Sure, that was no confession, but it's a start, and a damn good one. 

"Okay." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is actually different from how James treated Keith in the beginning of the fic but Jaith is like one of my favourite ships and I need my babies to have one (1) good chapter


	14. Now we're simply moving on?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The view makes her want to puke too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUICIDE ATTEMPT WARNING   
> Nothing graphic but just in case kiddos

Romelle arrived at Keith's apartment, softly humming a song stuck in her head as she patiently waited for the elevator to take her up to Keith's apartment. The elevator opens up to the highest level and Romelle walks out, the voice and face recognition -equipped elevator bidding her a nice evening. She walks through the apartment door, which slides open for her as she approaches it.

The AI of Keith's apartment doesn't greet Romelle, which strikes her as odd: Keith's never shut it off before, the man always appreciating the handiness of it, especially with informing him that someone has arrived, especially someone like Romelle, who has the rights all the way in here, not only through the front doors but to Keith's floor and through his front door as well, without the house AI stopping her. 

The apartment is quiet too. It smells off, somehow, but Romelle can't place the smell. 

"Keith? Are you in here?" Romelle yells.

No answer. That's odd. The house AI told her he was home, so why would he not answer? Why would the AI be off? Even if Keith was sleeping, he would have woken up by now, being the sharp-eared light sleeper as he is. 

Romelle walks to the kitchen, laying the two grocery bags on the table. Yes, she could've ordered all of this to the apartment, but she likes doing some things manually. 

But that smell, that damned smell, is what bothers Romelle. She knows it, somewhere in the back of her head. She can't quite identify it, but she's definitely smelled it before. Maybe the place confuses her?

"Keeeeeiiiiith!" She calls out, not getting an answer. 

Romelle walks to the nearest pad, slotted into the wall next to the opening which leads to the living room. It, like everything else in Keith's apartment, is clean and tidy, with not many objects. Keith's pad is on the table, though. It pings with an incoming message, too far for Romelle to see what it is. 

Romelle focuses on the wallpad, pressing on it to see the status of the house AI, affectionately named Allura. It has been turned off barely five minutes ago. Romelle turns the AI back on with a press of a button. 

"Thank you Romelle", Allura immediately says, turning back on with a small hum. "I will immediately contact the emergency personnel."

"Woah slow down! Why would you need to do that?" Romelle inquires, fighting the urge to look up to the small blue light, blinking at the corner of the room to indicate that the AI is on.

"Right before Keith turned me off he was in the process of doing something... Perhaps you would like to see for yourself. He's in the master bathroom."

Romelle is confused, but doesn't hesitate to move, half running up the stairs to the second floor of the penthouse apartment. 

The smell gets stronger up here, quickening Romelle's heartbeat. She recognizes the smell now. It's not a good smell. Romelle runs, praying as she goes that her doubt is wrong. 

Keith's bedroom is messy, very much unlike him. His sheets are crumbled and there's a smashed jar of flowers on the floor, the assortment of different flowers spread on the soft carpet. Romelle jumps over it, her eyes set on the half-open bathroom door. The pad situated inside of the bathroom, visible from the crack of the open door is cracked. 

Romelle barges in, breathing heavily, the smell so strong it makes her want to puke. 

The view makes her want to puke too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awooo I'm sorry it was so short but uuhhh Imma be back with like two new chapters in a tiddy bit. Probably. 
> 
> I've been sorta uninterested with this and I have been busy with Promises lately soo sorry about kinda abandoning this I suppose :D


	15. You fight like a galra soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I did it for him."
> 
> Not another word was needed to exchange to figure out who. 
> 
> "Just for him?"
> 
> "Yeah. Nothing motivated me before him. Nothing has motivated me after. It's always been about him."
> 
> "So without him you fall apart?"
> 
> Keith doesn't answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not proofread so I am sorry, it's 2 am and I had to get this out of my system so I can sleep. Have fun!  
> (Slight warning for mentions of attempted suicide)

Darkness. Everything was so soft, he felt like he's floating. Like he was drifting in space, without knowing which way is up and which one down. Does it matter though? 

Did anything matter anymore?

What was he doing again? Before this nothingness? Where was he? Who was he?

He scratched his head, trying to remember. Suddenly the darkness turned from comfort to discomfort. What was he doing here? He was sure he had something important to do, right? Something...

Suddenly small dots started appearing around him, one by one, like dots appearing on a canvas as the painter splattered them around. Colored a bit differently, too, some shaded blue and others red and everything in between. 

Stars, he realized, when there was enough of them to fill up the average Earth sky. 

What was that word? _Earth._ He tasted it on his tongue, trying to form the word. His voice came out scratchy, but it did. The word felt familiar. Like he'd said it a million times before.

The stars kept coming and coming, starting to reflect on the surface below him.

Oh, right, he was standing. No longer floating. Yeah. He felt a bit unsteady on his legs.

This place... it was so strangely familiar. Had he been here before? What was this place anyway?

The last staggering piece of the scenery was the solar eclipse. What must be a huge sun, is covered by a moon which must be so close, he could probably reach out to it if he wanted to.

That's when it all comes back.

Keith doesn't realize the tears spilling down his face until they drop to the sheer surface under him, letting out a small dripping sound. Then, when he finally feels the tear stains on his cheeks, he allows a sob to break through.

_Why. Why here. Why him. Why. Why, why, why. Why why why why... whywhywhywhywhyw-_

"You're distressed."

Keith jumps, spinning around to face someone he thought he never would again, not like this.

Zarkon looks... young. His eyes are normal, his lips are not chapped and his armor does not reek of quintessence. He looks kind of normal, even dressed in normal clothing instead of armor, a t-shirt, black pants and a jacket, made up of a material closely similar to silk. His shirt does have the galra insignia plastered on it, but it looks distractedly like a band shirt than anything else.

Keith tries to wipe his tears, but can't stop them, way past the point of even having a chance. 

"Sorry", Keith whispers, his voice still sore. How long has it been since he last used it?

"Don't apologize. There is nothing wrong with crying", Zarkon huffs, tilting his head. "After all, even heroes cry sometimes."

Keith can't stop the dry chuckle that leaves his mouth. "Out of everyone, I would've figured you would have been the last one to say such a thing."

Zarkon offers Keith a wry smile, before pressing a finger against his lips in a mock hush, as if the words should be kept a secret between the two of them. 

For a moment they stand in silence, Keith not bothering to wipe his tears. He's not even sure why he is doing it, at this point, too focused on the hulking form of Zarkon beside him. 

"I have been in the Black Lion's consciousness many times, but it still amazes me. The beauty of this place", Zarkon murmurs, gazing up at the solar eclipse above them. "The Lions are mysterious beings."

"Why are you here?" Keith inquires, tired of wondering what the ex-Emperor wants. "Why am I here?"

Zarkon glances at Keith, who is looking up at the galra with a fiery expression. 

"I cashed in a favor for an old friend, if you can say so", the large man says, winking his eye at Keith. "Figured you would need some... encouragement."

"Encouragement?" Keith huffs. "From you?"

Zarkon shrugs. "You have always fought like a galra soldier. Perhaps it is time for you to start thinking like one as well."

Keith just looks up at the other man, letting his confusion and disbelief show. 

"You may be a galra up there", Zarkon says, pointing to Keith's head with one clawed finger, "Yet you are a human being over here", the galra finishes, pointing to Keith's chest, poking it gently, right where his heart is. "And some galra in your heart would not do you badly."

"Some galra in my heart", Keith repeats bluntly.

"You do not believe me to be genuine in my attempt to help you."

"No shit", Keith laughs. "Why would you want to help _me?_ " Keith laughs, shaking his head in disbelief. "I'm a failure. I can't do anything right. I keep on running, I keep on failing. Hell, I couldn't even kill myself properly", Keith barks out, clasping his upper arms with his hands, clutching on tight, making the long-sleeved turtleneck he's wearing crumple under his fingers. 

"I can't help but disagree", Zarkon says, not a slither of lie or attempt of calming Keith's worries in his voice. His words are nothing but statements of fact as he perceives it and Keith can't help but stop and listen to him.

"From the moment I saw you, charging at me in my old comrade's Lion, I couldn't think nothing but the fact that, even as you were inexperienced and irrational in your attempts at taking my life", Keith bows his head, biting his lip at the same spot he has been biting for so long the skin has grown thicker, "Yet you still made a formidable enemy. Fight was, no, is in your veins. You live it, your breathe it."

Keith doesn't say anything, not finding the point in Zarkon's words. He failed.

"I ordered a few select subordinates of mine to keep an eye on your doing. Keith, you have faced a long and windy road. From finding out about your mixed heritage to face one defeat after another, yet you made it this far. How did you do it?"

"How did I do what?" Keith asked, drifting. 

"Survive."

Keith looks up at Zarkon this time, and the ex-Emperor is looming above him, his eyes glinting with the light of the solar eclipse. "How did you go through so much pain, so much hardship, and get this far? I might have taken my own life long before you attempted to, had I ended up in your shoes."

Keith didn't know why, but he didn't feel like lying to Zarkon. Hell, he didn't feel like lying to anyone anymore. He'd been keeping a mask on for so long now. He was just so tired.

"I did it for him."

Not another word was needed to exchange to figure out who. 

"Just for him?"

"Yeah. Nothing motivated me before him. Nothing has motivated me after. It's always been about him."

"So without him you fall apart?"

Keith doesn't answer. What he tried to do is a clear sign of what the answer is.

"Well, if young Romelle would not have intervened I am sure you would have succeeded in your attempt", Zarkon sighs. "I, however, am glad she did show up at the opportune moment."

Keith lets out an another dry laugh. "Why?" 

"Do you know what the galra are known for, Keith?" Zarkon asks, sort of dodging the question. 

"Victory or Death?"

Zarkon hums. "Perhaps not the sentence. The meaning behind those words is more important than any word combination you could think of."

"Oh?" Keith sighs, slightly intrigued of what the old galra has to say.

"The words _Victory or Death_ are the meaning of what makes a good galra in the society of our culture. A good galra will never give in, not unless they are forced to by an occurrence, usually death or four limb paralysis. Although, for the past few thousand years, even that has not stopped some of my most persistent allies."

Keith doesn't answer, thoughtfully biting his lip instead. Zarkon takes this as a sign to continue.

"Just by the sheer force of will to complete your goals by any means, to well, win, you can gain a certain level of respect in the galra community."

Keith doesn't answer, looking up at the solar eclipse. He hasn't seen one for so long. The last one was probably with his dad. The memory stings.

"Keith, do you want to be... Shirogane's dog?"

Keith jolts, turning to look at Zarkon, eyes wide. 

"What?"

"You heard me. Do you want to be his? His pet, servant, warrior, whatever you like to call it. For him, and him only, to control. To possess?"

Keith shakes his head slowly.

"Then act like it. Stop sulking around like a dog, who has been left home alone by it's owner. Instead, become the dog who breaks out of the house, finds it's owner and bites him in the butt."

Keith laughs. He laughs, more genuine than he has in years. His stomach hurts from laughing so hard that he almost topples over, clutching his stomach. Even Zarkon twists a grin. 

"Y-y'know", Keith chuckles, wiping tears of laughter. "I might just have to. Just to offer him that advice in a heated exchange."

Zarkon grins and the world around them falls apart.

The hospital bed Keith wakes up in is noticeably harder than his own bed. It's nighttime, as much he can tell from the moonlight flooding in through the windows. He looks around slowly, thankfully finding the room empty. 

His eyes land on the side table, overflowing with gifts and flowers and letters. Even a plushie is peeking out from between the bouquets of different colors of flowers, most of them red, yellow and white themed. Figures. 

Keith moves his hand to grab the closest letter, only now noticing the heavy bandaging around his arms. Specifically his wrists. Keith scrunches his eyebrows in disgust. 

_Is that really what I am? A dog? Shiro's dog?_

Keith opens the letter, his hands not shaking the tiniest bit. It's from Romelle, and more of a note than a letter. 

**Hey Keith!**

**If you're reading this you've woken up and I'm not there, sorry! It's probably nighttime, so I'm sleeping in the hotel nearby! Everyone's been so anxious for you to wake up, most of us are either camping here at this hotel or at their friends' houses if they live close by. We're all excited for you to be okay again.**

**I'm sure everyone has something of their own to tell you so I won't spoil, but I think you have a lot of reading to do! See you soon!**

**-Romelle**

Keith sighs, putting the note away. Then he picks up the pile of letters underneath it, written in various paper. Some colored, some just pieces of paper, one even on a napkin. He shuffles through them, eyeing the names. Mostly people he hasn't seen in years. He discards those immediately. None of the other paladins have left a note, thankfully.

The one letter he doesn't put away, unread, is in a closed envelope. It reads Keith Kogane on the front in hand writing Keith knows when he sees it. His hands are shaking now, more than ever before. 

How can someone send a letter from the grave?

Keith can't stop his hands from shaking as he opens the envelope, careful to not tear anything inside. It seems to have something else, other than just a letter. Maybe a small object?

_Dear Keith,_

_It is strange to write a letter like this, knowing if I am lucky you will never have to read this. But I, for some reason, feel like I need to do this. Just in case._

_I would like to act like this is some kind of normal letter, but I cannot. I cannot just ask you about how you have been doing, like how I have been able to ask the others._

_Keith, I have always admired you. You have something that I wish I had. It's courage._

_You have the courage to take the lead, no matter how much you say it is not for you. You have to courage to fight this war, which perhaps has been fought if you read this. I hope so, at least. You have the courage to take a stand, to go after what you want, whether it is a mission or a person. I hate to say this, but the theme of the galra's Victory or Death suits you, no matter how you wish it did not. You are ambitious, straightforward and kind, even when you attempt to mask it with your cold demeanor._

_But Keith, if you receive this letter, you have decided that this world no longer needs you, have you not? Have you decided that the others do not care? That your well being is not of matter to them?_

_Because it is._

_Every single one of us cares about you Keith. We may be bad at showing you, but that is something we all must work on together. You deserve the world, Keith. Do not sell yourself short._

_I don't know if I got through to you with this, but I'm sure if I did not, someone will._

_Sorry for not being there for you._

_-Allura._

Keith smiles, clutching the letter. He shakes the envelope, letting the object inside of it fall out. 

A small pendant, shaped like a lion's head. It's carved out of a golden material, so small Keith has to lean in close to make out what it is. It's tied to a golden chain. Keith hangs it around his neck, the lion resting between his collarbones. 

He folds the letter away, smiling sadly at it, before deciding to go back to bed. 

**He has ass to kick tomorrow.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end, guys. Thanks for sticking with me. Now, it's bedtime for me. I literally have trouble seeing because my eyes want to close more than try to see where the keys are. Well, thank god I could write this with my eyes closed. Apologies for any mistakes :D


	16. Status: Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So your dad was a hero?"
> 
> "You could say so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops
> 
> (Enjoy the rare Keith & Kolivan action)

When Kolivan dropped Krolia off to the hospital the day was just like the other days that week had been: his lover is worried sick, the air in their small transport ship smelling like the worry of a mother. Then, when Kolivan pulls into the parking space of the Terran hospital, Krolia is out of the transport and inside of the building before Kolivan has even stepped outside. 

And like every other day, he doesn't follow her inside, but takes a walk around the premises. 

The hospital has been built atop a hill, the rest of the area kept as a nature area for patients and their close ones alike. There's even a small cemetery behind the building, a quiet place filled with flowers. Kolivan begins his walk there, walking among the gravestones and nodding a hello to the lady always tending to the graves and the small garden that has formed from people bringing flowers to the graves. 

Kolivan can't bare being in the cemetery for long, but after that he chooses a path that leads into the forest. The trees here grow further apart than the jungles Kolivan has seen, leaving plenty of space for sunlight to filter in through the far-spread leaves. Kolivan eyes a squirrel as it jumps from one tree to another and watches as a small fox runs across the path before disappearing behind a few rocks. 

He follows the forest path as far as it goes, the forest lessening and lessening until he's in a field filled with wild flowers. Romelle, the flower enthusiast, had once talked to him about the different types for an hour during their walk together. Kolivan would like to say he still remembers what the flowers were called but he'd be lying if he did.

The path has been carved into the field by many footsteps, ending at the beach, where someone has built a wooden bench to look over the waves of whatever lake the hospital is built next to. 

Usually there's no one here and the place is all for Kolivan to enjoy, but this time there's someone sitting on the bench. 

A head of black hair, moving along with the wind.

"Here to enjoy the view?" Kolivan can't help but ask as he sits down on the bench next to him.

"Something like that", Keith answers, not even glancing at Kolivan. 

The lake looks beautiful this time of day, the sun's light glistening over the waves hypnotically. Some kind of water bird swims along the water's surface relatively close to the beach, sometimes diving underwater before popping back up a few meters away. 

The two men sit in a comfortable silence, the sound of waves, birds and insects more than enough to keep them company. 

"Your mother will be worried that you're no longer in bed", Kolivan muses, turning to look at Keith, who he has seen awake for the first time in two movements. The man looks tired, dark bags shadowing his eyes. His hair hasn't been properly brushed for a while, leaving nasty looking knots behind. Keith's clothes are similar to the ones he wore the day Romelle found him: a long-sleeved turtleneck and dark blue jeans. He's wearing the hospital-issued slippers, plastic bags pulled over them to protect them from dirt. 

"I told Romelle where I'm going. She'll be fine."

The two of them sit in silence for a few moments more, Kolivan not letting his curiosity take the better of him. Due to this, Keith is the next one to open his mouth. 

"I probably seem like an asshole now. Or an idiot."

Kolivan can't help but shrug, watching as an another bird joins the previous one.

"I don't think so. I must admit, I do not know the full story behind this, but judging by how guilty Admiral Shirogane has looked for the past two movements this has something to do with him."

Keith's eyebrows rise slightly. "Shiro looked guilty?" 

"Quite so. I have had three meetings with him and every time I mentioned you in any context, he looked like... how do you say it... a deer caught in tail lights?"

Keith laughs shakily: "A deer caught in head lights, you mean?"

"Yes, that is what I said", Kolivan huffs, crossing his arms in a very dramatic manner. "Earth sayings are so confusing."

Keith stifles his laughter, instead letting a small smile dance on his lips. 

"I should talk to him. About all this."

"You should."

Keith sighs deeply, closing the purple orbs that are his eyes. "And I will."

They lapse into yet an another silence. It's very typical for the two of them, neither a very talkative person in general. It makes Kolivan smile. 

As much as he'd like to deny it, Keith has become an extension of his family. Maybe his son, if he may stretch the connection between them. And maybe that's why he feels obligated to say what he's about to say next.

"What you did was not by any means the choice you should have gone for, but I can see why you did it. And I will not judge you for it."

When Keith says nothing, Kolivan continues. 

"I feel, and I think the others feel like this too, that I failed you. That I let you believe that I would be in anyway fine without you. That I did not get what you mean to me across."

This time Keith chuckles. "I mean something to you, Kolivan? I find that hard to believe."

"You do. I have loved your mother for a long time, Keith", - and here Keith sticks his tongue out in disgust like a kitten and a breathy laugh escapes Kolivan - "And the moment I saw you I had a growing suspicion of your blood. Listen here kit, when I saw you I decided to make sure you lived through this war. If I could have, I would have pulled you from the front lines completely, but I knew you would be your mother's son."

Keith laughs. "You should have met my dad. He's even more of the heroic stereotype than you."

"Oh?" Kolivan can't help but ask, raising an eyebrow. "How so?"

As big of a part of Krolia's life Keith's father was, Kolivan has learned nothing of this man. He can understand why Krolia is hesitant to speak of him, considering that she basically had an affair with the man, but still, Kolivan cannot help but be curious. 

"Yeah", Keith laughs. "He was a fireman."

Keith stops speaking, as if Kolivan would know everything from this one word, but coincidentally, Kolivan has no idea what this 'fireman' is.

"And...?"

Keith turns to look at Kolivan, one eyebrow raised. "Do you not know what a fireman is?"

Kolivan shakes his head, sighing deeply. Keith laughs.

"A fireman is a person who takes out fires and takes care of other dangerous stuff like car crashes or saving people from stuff on fire and so on."

"Oh", Kolivan says, still a bit unsure. "Sounds... like a fine job."

"Yeah. Kind of like the Defenders of the Universe. Except it's like Defenders of this certain area on Earth. And the firemen aren't the only people who do that. There is obviously the doctors and paramedics", Keith says, nodding to the direction of the hospital "and cops."

Kolivan does know what a cop is. He feels a bit more up to the conversation, yet still fumbling. He doesn't like feeling like this.

"So your dad was a hero?"

"You could say so."

They sit in silence again. It doesn't feel uncomfortable. Likely never will. Not with Keith and Kolivan. 

"My father was a hero as well", Kolivan admits, raising his gaze from the lake to the sky above them, flowing with fluffy white clouds. "He was the Leader before me. Always joining on missions, always taking in new trainees, always busying himself with work. It was always expected of me to follow in his footsteps, so I suppose that is partly why I did."

Here Kolivan keeps a break, trying to remember what his father's face looks like. He can't. He can only conjure up an image of wide, muscular shoulders and a smirk, hopeful and happy enough to rival a child at their happiest.

"He died on a mission while protecting the other agents of his team."

"I'm sorry", Keith whispers, moving so he's sitting in a fetal position, hugging his legs. "My dad died on a mission too. He went inside of a burning building to save just one more person and the whole thing collapsed on him. I was there that day, because we were out, eating our Friday pizza, when he got called in for an emergency. He was the only family member I had left."

Kolivan moves to stand, holding out a hand for Keith to take. The kit looks up at him, confused, but takes the offered arm anyway. Kolivan hauls him up from the bench. 

"I'm sure if your father saw you now, he'd be very proud of you for what you have done", Kolivan says, throwing personal space out of the window and pulling Keith into a bear hug, the shorter man's legs leaving the ground. 

"I-sure-your-- father - would be--- very proud of you- to-o", Keith manages to hiss, somehow hugging Kolivan back, although with considerably less force.

When the galra puts Keith down, they start making their way back to the hospital with a silent agreement.

"Hey... when they let me out of the hospital, would you mind borrowing me a ship and telling me where Shiro's at?"

Kolivan answers Keith with a knowing smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised I would publish an update sooner or later but whoopsie - I got caught up in a whole lot of shit. 
> 
> But hey, this is the second to last chapter! Next time: Watch Shiro Get Completely Eradicated!


	17. I just Wanted You to Be Like Me- and I Wanted Me to Be Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not an april fools update,
> 
> but it's about damn time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Sayonara, bitch."

Keith hasn't looked at himself in the mirror after trying to kill himself. He has avoided mirrors like the plague, not wanting to see whatever is making everyone else look at him with sorrow and sadness. He hasn't wanted to see dark circles, a pale face nor sunken, emotionless eyes. 

But now, Keith looks.

And is immediately confused.

He has no dark circles - probably because he'd been sleeping five hours more on average than before. Probably because he had finally gotten that something out of his system, the big confession, the big deed. 

He doesn't have a pale face either. He has always been a pale boy, but he is no paler then usual. To be honest, his skin is flawless. Keith slowly raises a finger, his mirror image doing the same, gently touching the scar, running up his chin. 

The skin over the scar is rougher in texture compared to the skin around it. The doctors had been a bit confused as well, when Keith told them that the scar had been delivered to him years ago. But hey - that's not the weirdest thing Keith's been through in his life. 

And finally, his eyes themselves.

They are shadowed by his bangs, as usual, but they aren't sunken nor empty. 

There is a glimmer there. A glimmer of determination. It almost makes Keith cry. 

Keith strolls out of the hospital with confidence. A smile takes over his face when he sees what is waiting for him outside: his bright red hoverbike and a brown-haired stable boy beside it. 

"You made it!" Keith grins as Lance pulls him into a soul-crushing hug. 

"I could say the same about you, dipshit", Lance grumbles, no real meaning behind his words. His eyes do have dark circles, but Keith at the same time knows and feels sorry for the fact that he isn't the only reason behind those. "Glad to have you back."

"Glad to be back", Keith smiles, patting his bike. "Hope you don't mind the fact that I'm not grabbing you with, though", Keith sheepishly admits, scratching the back of his neck. "You've always been there for me, in a way."

Lance raises a doubtful eyebrow, a bit confused too, by Keith's very open talk. 

"No, not always. But for the past few years, yeah", Lance grins before pulling Keith in for an another hug. Of course, this time he had alter motives, as he mutters in Keith's ear: "If you ever pull something like this again? I'll make sure you will never be out of my sight again."

Keith laughs, the sound completely weightless and soft. "Don't worry about it, sharpshooter. I ain't pulling a stunt like this again."

Lance, now with a blush on his cheeks, huffs: "It's kind of sad that I can't witness you tearing Shiro up a new one. I've been waiting for this for years."

Keith shakes his head softly, before jumping on the bike. Lance sticks close though, not quite letting Keith leave yet. 

"And you come to my place when you're done, clear?" he questions the black haired man, who grins and nods, revving the engine. It's rumble sends pleasant shivers through both of the two. 

"Yeah yeah mom", Keith laughs, kicking off the engine, forcing Lance to pretty much jump back. 

Keith doesn't hear the angry cuban's shouts.

Shiro and Curtis live surprisingly close to the Hospital, Keith having to re-fuel and sleep over only once, both of those just because he wanted to make a bit of a detour. 

It feels great, finally being back on Earth after such a long time away and free, without any ties to anything. He feels free, just him, the bike and the small backpack he took with him, containing a bit of money and a change of clothes. He's wearing a jacket just like the one he used to own, just a few sizes bigger (now that had been a pain to track down) and his long hair is freely floating behind him, dragged by the wind in whichever way it desires. 

He's completely aware that both the jacket and the bike will bring Shiro back to days long ago. He's also completely aware that his hair will look like a mess. Also, by the looks of the occasional people he crosses, pretty much everyone in the Universe knows about it. 

But he can't bring himself to care.

Not because he's too absorbed in himself, or too full, to, but because the feeling of finally being without weight on his shoulders, finally feeling free, _finally feeling fine._ It almost doesn't feel real, but he doesn't want it to stop. He can't bring himself to worry about something as useless as _public image_. Like, who cares?

Keith laughs into the wind, the sound disappearing into it. That doesn't bother him either.

When he nears what Kolivan informed him is where Shiro and Curtis live, it's about 1 p.m. He drives up, ending on top of a pretty good sized hill, looking down.

There's a modern, well, mansion, on the beach. The yard is huge, all of the lawn mowed perfectly, some kind of robot working at it. The road Keith's been following drives by the premises, a road turning to the mansion. There's a fence and a gate, the gate closed. The road continues to a city in the distance, perhaps about 1 and a half miles away. It's quiet, as Keith brakes to try and figure out how to get in without actually having to announce himself. 

Yeah, he's going to have fun with this. Keith hasn't had fun like this in years and he's not about to be stopped by some fence. 

When Keith realizes what his only way in he grins. 

How convenient for him to have taken the hoverbike.

Keith lets out a small giggle when he lands on their private beach, the lake behind him glimmering beautifully. He's a bit wet, but the warmth of the sun is already drying his clothes and hair with a fast pace, Keith feeling so free.

He wonders if those illegal races are still being held in the desert. Could be fun.

Keith scans the backyard. He's not quite sure if he's been noticed but he knows that Shiro's home (information provided by the one and only Lance McClain, most helpful in helping Keith's little plan succeed).

So, a pair of lounging chairs. Maybe not, Keith's not about to risk the chance of falling asleep. The grass? No way is he getting his new pants stained from wet grass, since his ass is still kinda damp. A small area of outdoor tables, completed by a huge grill among other outside cooking stuff Keith's kinda lost on? No, not comfortable enough. 

Keith's eyes glint as he notices a pair of swings. 

Keith swings for about ten minutes, looking out to the lake. A few birds check out his hoverbike curiously, but they seem to be intimidated by the red color and flee soon after. A cat comes from the house, too. It goes to the hoverbike, climbing all over it and sniffing it around curiously. The birds eye at it from the other side of the beach warily, but neither engage. Instead, the cat hops off the bike, slowly making it's way to the swings. 

Keith stops his steady swings to look at the cat. It looks back up at him. 

For a few tense moments Keith's eyes are looked on the cat. It has strikingly blue eyes and a soft black for, apart from a white tail tip. Kind of ironic. 

The cat, after momentarily eyeing Keith, moves closer. It rubs against Keith's leg, meowing happily when he pets it. 

Keith's always been a dog person (Wolf person? What does Kosmo count as?) but he's never hated cats. When he was younger he used to feel weird around them and their confusingly observant eyes. 

The cat seems to like him though. After a moment of spreading it's scent all over him, it jumps up, landing on his legs. Keith tenses, staying as still as possible to not scare it. The cat curls up in his lap, seemingly enjoying the just-dried fabric. It looks up at Keith, somehow managing to seem demanding. Keith pets it for a bit, but it's still looking at him. 

"What do you want, neko?" Keith asks, frowning. "Stop looking at me like that."

The cat doesn't seem to get the hint, instead it's stare turning into an even more demanding one. 

"What, you wanna swing or something?" Keith asks, testing it by giving the swing a small boost. 

The cat looks, for fuck's sake, it looks satisfied. 

"So I guess we're swinging now", Keith shrugs, continuing his previous swings, now just with a furred fellow in his lap. The cat snuggles close, using it's claws to grab onto Keith when the swing tilts downwards. It doesn't use much force, though, Keith barely even feeling the pokes of it's sharp nails. Or maybe he's just used to it. He also doesn't swing too much, not enough to actually risk the cat falling off. 

He doesn't miss the footsteps, when they eventually come. He knows they're Shiro's, and it's weird, because the two haven't talked to each other directly in years. Hell, Keith hasn't even seen Shiro in half a year, and besides that just at the Allura memorial meetings or whatever. 

He still knows the exact weight, speed and pressure of Shiro's step.

Keith doesn't turn to look at Shiro, instead keeping his eyes on the cat in his lap. He feels the swing set's weight shift as Shiro sits down next to him. 

They sit in silence for a few minutes, at most. Keith doesn't mind it, enjoying just, existing. He lets Shiro start his own demise. 

Eventually he does as Keith expected. He speaks.

"Mr Waffles seems to like you", he muses thoughtfully and Keith can hear the smile on Shiro's lips.

"He's a spoiled brat, is what I think", Keith answers, but there's no meaning behind his words. "A really adorable brat, but still, spoiled. Who authorized you to have pets?"

Shiro laughs. He laughs like there isn't miles and miles of unsaid words and undone things between the two. He laughs like they'd just talked yesterday. Like they'd climbed to the roof of the Garrison to look at the stars at 3 a.m just because Keith had a nightmare about his dad again and the sky was always cold at night. Like they'd been goofing around in the simulators, just the two of them, doing stuff a bit too challenging for even Shiro's classmates but stuff that the two of them could do with their eyes closed.

Keith's chest doesn't constrict, like it had been doing for the past god knows how long, when he hears that laugh. Instead, it makes him feel like laughing too, and fuck, he does. 

"It's- it's actually Curtis' cat. Do- do you really th-think that I would -- genuinely buy a cat that looks like me?" Shiro says in between laughs, seemingly finding it difficult to catch his breath. "I mean, seriously?"

Keith grins, slowing his swings down and petting Mr Waffles on the head. The cat meows at him, like a small 'Thank you' before jumping off, disappearing into the bushes to Keith's left.

Their laughter dies down eventually, leaving behind an actually comfortable silence. Keith feels even lighter after laughing. 

"I'm happy to see you", Shiro says, a small breeze fluffing Keith's hair, pushing his long bangs out of his face. He had thought about getting a haircut before, but to be honest, he kinda likes it. He's already looking like a hobo or something anyway. 

"I... I'm just happy", Keith answers, feeling too light to lie to Shiro about being happy to see him too. Well, to be honest, he hadn't actually seen Shiro yet, but whatever.

"Oh?" Shiro asks and Keith can feel his eyes on him. 

"Yeah."

He doesn't feel like explaining it, but he hopes that the look he lets rest on his face when he turns to look at Shiro is enough. 

By Shiro's shocked expression, it has to be.

Shiro schools his expression quickly though, pulling a small smile on his lips in such a masterful way Keith almost doesn't notice how forceful it is. Almost. 

That's the thing about Shiro: his voice never gives off his lies. To be honest, nor does his body language. 

But what does is his face. 

Not clearly, not ever, but Keith has known Shiro for longer than most people who know him. He, daring to admit, knows Shiro better than anyone. 

You'd think that a person would change in a few years, but here, Keith and Shiro seem to be completely opposites. 

Keith, who purposefully looks like he used to back when he was an angsty teenager (note: teenager) and Shiro, who looks nothing like the man Keith grew to love and appreciate more than maybe anyone else in this world. 

Meanwhile, Keith here was the one to go through a huge emotional change. He knew he was nothing like he used to be like then, nowadays much more experienced, much, much smarter and wiser. He had seen the world outside of his small circle of illegal racing, the Garrison and his shack. Shiro, on the other hand, is just like how Keith remembers meeting him. What, over a decade ago?

Time, what a crazy concept. And Keith would know.

"You haven't changed at all, Shiro", Keith voices out his thoughts, tilting his head.

Shiro raises a suspicious eyebrow. "Not after all the trauma? All the stuff we went through?"

Keith shakes his head, something in his eyes glinting. "I can still read you like an open book, _Takashi._ But I know for a fact that you can't tell a single thing about what I'm thinking."

Shiro's fake smile falls, his face moving to a controlled look of blank. Keith grins, still knowing exactly what buttons to press. Even now, when Shiro knows Keith's here just to piss him off. 

"Is this what this is all about? Revenge? Keith, I know I treated you like shit. And I'm ready to apologize for it. Are you?" Shiro says, sternly. He uses that teacher tone of his, the one Keith used to fall for in an instant. That tone that could be used to bend him to do, to say... anything. 

"It's not about revenge", Keith hums, kicking up his swing again. "And I'm not here for an apology either. We both know what you did wrong, and we've both acknowledged it. But, the fact that you speak like I have something to apologize about, is a completely different story", he explains, completely calm, even smiling a bit. Like a kid. 

_Deception, Kolivan spoke quietly, Is the most valuable weapon a spy can have. Your enemy will never know your next move, if you give them nothing to base off the suspicion on. Even better, giving them something completely wrongful, is the most powerful move you could possibly make._

"Maybe you should think about that", Shiro says and Keith can't stop himself from grinning victoriously. 

"You know, the fact that I changed but you didn't revealed some things about the dynamic we had and why it worked so well, back then", Keith sighs, looking up at the soft blue sky, a couple of fluffy white clouds moving along it, like tufts of cotton candy. "I used to be just a lost kid, y'know. But you picked me up, gave me a home, a safe place to come to. Someone who cared, someone who believed in me. And I took the chance you gave me, like I always do."

Shiro is looking at Keith but Keith can't look back now. Deception, distraction, destruction. Heh, DDD, as his fellow blades would refer to with smiles on their lips.

"And, even when you were gone, you were the only thing pushing me forward. Pushing me to be better, to complete my goals, to reach my aspirations. And I can't thank you enough for that." Keith lowers his head, as if in a mix of thankfulness and shame from admitting it. 

The Keith Shiro knows would have done so. 

But Shiro doesn't know this Keith at all.

"But you, you liked me when I was like that. You liked the Keith who looked up to you with glimmer in his eyes. The Keith who clung to you, to your guidance. The Keith who was, to be honest, below you. Your right hand man."

Here Keith can sense Shiro faltering. 

"And then I came back and I had changed. I met someone else, who cared for me, too. And I had grown, perhaps too much for you to handle at once. And suddenly, I was your equal."

Now, Keith knows he can't fool Shiro anymore. He skids the swing into a stop, only now noticing that Shiro had already stopped his, standing up. He looks at Keith with wide eyes. 

When Keith stands up from the swing, he doesn't have to look up to see Shiro eye-to-eye. 

"That scared you. That kind of devotion - you'd never had that before. You didn't know what to do, did you? Everyone always looked down on you or up to you, but no-one, no-one, somehow managed to be equal with you at everything yet still look at you like you hung the stars."

Shiro's mouth forms a small 'o'. Keith lets his childish grin turn into a feral one. 

"Fuck you, Takashi Shirogane. Fuck. You. Fuck you and your superiority complex. Feel free to come and talk to me when you realize that everything I just said is the cold, hard, truth", Keith spits out, enjoying the true look of both confusion, hurt and guilt in Shiro's eyes. "I'll be at Lance's. Sayonara, bitch."

When Keith walks away, he feels truly and absolutely free. 

And it feels fucking great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank's for sticking through with me. Post your thoughts and comments if you feel like it. A small <3 will work as double kudos for me as well :3
> 
> The title of this chapter is, and I have to mention it, from the famous scene in Spiderman: Homecoming.  
> "I just wanted to be like you!"  
> "And I wanted you to be better."  
> With my little twist to fit these two better :D
> 
> And now, a bit of an info dump for anyone who's interested in how I went about writing this: No Need to Read if you don't want to
> 
> So, this whole time I've had this showdown somewhat in my head. I also had a bunch of ideas about Keith interacting with other characters behind the scenes and stuff, so I combined those two ideas into this mismash of stuff. The Keith suicide attempt was kinda added in by accident. 
> 
> Now, about writing this. You can see that some of the chapters have a bit of a higher note and some a bit of a lower note (Although pretty much all of them are in the shittily low parts). That's because I wanted this fic to actually get that feeling of just shit across so I kinda wrote this when I was feeling like shit, too. 
> 
> I hope I improved somewhere along the way (I at least think so, I guess). I'll see you again, hopefully, dear readers. 
> 
> You, who for some reason used up your time in reading this...  
> thanks. I love you too.  
> \- xoxo, tiredofthisbs


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